Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. The ability to remove the fizz from all carbonated beverages in a two mile radius
2. The ability to destroy two evils that have plagued mankind for ages: soap scum and dust bunnies
3. A duo with the ability to turn themselves into a tasteful pair of Pottery Barn book ends
4. The ability to warp time such that all watches and clocks end up set to the wrong time zone
5. The ability to lower cholesterol to a healtheir, more manageable level
6. The ability to shred cheese with a single touch
7. The ability to make any piece toast stale on command
8. The ability to speak to office supplies and make them do your bidding
9. The ability to roll cigarettes with any part of your body
10. The ability to find all the socks in the world, lost from dryers
11. The ability to transform origami animals into balloon animals
12. The ability to force your enemies to perform sock puppet plays on command
13. The ability to always find the last parking spot. But only the last parking spot.
14. The ability to do “really good jazz hands routines”
15. The ability to detect excellent gas prices
16. The ability to transfer menstrual cramps to your enemies
17. The ability to detect expired dairy products without opening the refrigerator
18. The ability to make better leaf piles than anyone!
19. The ability to predict the endings of reality tv shows from the pilot episode
20. What abilities do you think are super-lame?

Thanksgiving dinner was great until Uncle Jingo ____________ in the gravy.

1. Stuff the turkey with packing peanuts
2. Schedule the cable TV to be disconnected during the 3rd quarter of the game
3. Replace your grandparents’ decaf with double espresso
4. Melt double salt licorice in the mashed potatoes. You know, for kids!
5. If asked to bring pie and whipped cream, show up naked under a trenchcoat with several cans of whipped cream. Pretend you thought it was a “different type of party.”

Image via betamale