Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. Children that have a complete meltdown in public and need to be dragged out because the little apes refuse to use their God-given legs. Sell these future Wal-Mart greeters on the Black Market. Or eBay. Do it now.
2. Anyone who needs more than five attempts to parallel park. These inbreds need to have their licenses revoked and be forced to walk.
3. Couples that use their pet nicknames for each other while ordering at restaurants. Hey, Pookiebutt. If you insist on talking like you’re two years-old, then we will treat you like you are. From now on, you will be forced to wear adult diapers everywhere and order from the kids’ menu.
4. People who claim to be reincarnated from someone famous. Guess what, Peter Proud? Reincarnation works upwards. That means you should be King of the Fucking Universe by now. You’re not. You’re still sweeping floors at Tim Hortons. Your next life willl be spent extracting semen from hogs on a commercial pig farm.
5. Anyone who claims to have met their soul mate. By Googling. You deserve the next ten years you will spend in the courts trying to reclaim your life savings.
6. Asssholes who view the entire world through their astrology chart, as if this gives them carte blanche to behave poorly. “Oh, well you know, I’m a Scorpio, so it’s expected that I will rape your Chihuahua. Sorry!” Stop blaming inanimate, planetary bodies for your own inexcusable actions.
7. Shapeless couch potatoes who claim to have gotten a black belt in some martial art that hasn’t been taught in 300 years. Listen Daniel-san, if you’ve attained that level, then you’d have enough self-esteem to stay in shape, instead of stuffing your cake-hole with Nacho Cheese Doritos during your all-night, estrogen-free LAN parties.
8. Who’s pissing you off, lately?

Sorry for posting videos two days in a row, but this keeps making me giggle. Natalie was over and I showed her how my kitten will play fetch. All day.

Best. Video. Evar. Link via the indomitable Mister Arthur

I don’t know what’s with kids these days.

A young girl approaches me as I am working at my laptop at Starbucks. She tells me she is in second grade and would I like to buy some candy bars for her school.

Me: “Sure, how much are they?”
Girl: “They three dollar each or three for five.”
Me: “OK. I just want two though. Can I pay for three and just take two?”
Girl: “You dick! You got money for yo’ fuckin’ coffee. Dick! Buy three. I gots to get rid of these!”