Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. “Is that your wife? Does she know you’ve been sacked?”
2. “Oh yeah, baby! Do it to me like you did in prison. That’s it! Right there.”
3. “Hey, get off that phone! We got more work to do. This bank ain’t gonna rob itself!”
4. “Dude is that, my wife’s lingerie you’re wearing?”
5. “Oh my God! You just peed on my carpet! What is wrong with you?”
6. “Go ahead and call! This changes nothing! You’re still going to jail.”
7. “Don’t ignore me, you son of a bitch. Get off dat phone. Vinnie wants his money now!”
8. “Hey! You’re on in 5. Quit fondling the bouncer and get ready.”
9. “Scuse me is this… I was told I could score here. [whisper close to phone] The pasword is Winston.”
10. What do you yell at these people?

Dear WORLD,

U ar in a lot of troubel with me!!! I have had it for the last time and this is the last straw. My Mom put me in timeout agen! No way.!! So I made use of the time 2 make my Master Plan of Escape and also a Super Wepon of Destructshun. It is a gun that will erase ev eryone’s mouth at ONCE!!! All at the same time 2! YOu are all scrood. Prepare to die,

Love,
Billy, Age 7

1. Well, would ya look at that!
2. Uh oh, that is not supposed to happen.
3. Christ, better get out the book.
4. Does this hurt? No? That doesn’t hurt. You’re kidding, I hit it with a hammer.
5. Have the folks at Guinness Book of World Records been in touch? They probably have a section for … these sort of things
6. Normally that wouldn’t have claws or tendrils…
7. I’d normally say I have bad news for you, but this is actually rather funny…
8. We’ve been looking at your X-Rays and … well, we can’t tell which side is up
9. Well, we usually only see this with people who clean up abandoned nuclear power plants. But you’re a salesperson?
10. Has anyone seen my watch?

It was Christmas Eve and I was five years old.
Me: “Mom?”
Mom: “Yes, honey?”
Me: “This package says it’s from Santa.”
Mom: “It is! What did you ask him for?”
Me: “I don’t know. But it looks like your writing.”
Mom: “Uhhh, yes he asked me to write it for him.”
Me: “Hmph.”

Christmas Day
Me: “Mom?”
Mom: “Yes, honey?”
Me: “If this package is from Santa, how come it says Mattel on the box?”
Mom: “…”
Mom: “Look, just don’t tell your sisters.”