Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Doesn’t it seem like certain foods, fruits in particular, have a class association with them? Here’s what I mean by that:

1. Apples: A good, standard fruit, The working man’s fruit. Apples appeal to the common man as well as to ideals, possibly owing to their dubious Biblical connections in Genesis. A damn fine fruit.
2. Avacadoes: A total chick fruit. Avacadoes can only be eaten by males if hidden under the manly name “guacamole”. Otherwise, this fruit just screams middle class estrogen.
3. Bananas: The poor banana. Relegated to a lower class existence of crude, frat boy jokes and slapstick humor.
4. Kumquats: A ridiculous fruit. Only village idiots and imbeciles purchase them because “kumquat is a funny word.”
5. Oranges: Somehow oranges are synonymous with good health and tacky garnishes. Oranges are as cheap as the bikini girls that hawk them.
6. Papayas: A dirty word in Cuba, the papaya is purchased by untraveled Americans who feel its addition makes things seem “tropical” and “exotic”.
7. Pears: As upscale a fruit as you’re likely to find. Any dish is instantly more elegant by its addition and when you see someone eating one, you instantly assume that person to be a formidable thinker.
8. Pineapples: The pineapple was king of fruits back in the day. Its day is over and now it sits in grocery stands like a retired uncle telling about the one that got away.
9. Strawberries: This fruit oozes sex. Any dish becomes sexier with the addition of the phallic strawberry. You rarely hear anyone say, “Oh no thank you. It has strawberries.” Those that dare utter such heresies are quickly maimed by an angry mob.
10. What impressions do fruits give you?

In all likelihood, the BMW-owning yuppie fucktard that ordered this plate meant it to imply SLEEP WITH ME. But is that really what he meant? I can think of a few other translations and I’m sure you can, too.

1. SLeeP WiTh MainE
2. SLaP WhiTe MicE
3. ScaLloPs With TiME
4. Sea Lions Pay Willingly To Mount Emus
5. What are your suggestions?

Photo taken by the ever-vigilant Ken

Image via Mandy. Proof that women are not as ladylike as they claim to be.

1. “Is that your wife? Does she know you’ve been sacked?”
2. “Oh yeah, baby! Do it to me like you did in prison. That’s it! Right there.”
3. “Hey, get off that phone! We got more work to do. This bank ain’t gonna rob itself!”
4. “Dude is that, my wife’s lingerie you’re wearing?”
5. “Oh my God! You just peed on my carpet! What is wrong with you?”
6. “Go ahead and call! This changes nothing! You’re still going to jail.”
7. “Don’t ignore me, you son of a bitch. Get off dat phone. Vinnie wants his money now!”
8. “Hey! You’re on in 5. Quit fondling the bouncer and get ready.”
9. “Scuse me is this… I was told I could score here. [whisper close to phone] The pasword is Winston.”
10. What do you yell at these people?