Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

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Strong Language, so be careful at work kids. Link via Dan

Nikki: “I was too tired for movies last night. Allergies are kicking my ass.”
Me: “Why do allergies have to kick our ass? Why can’t they lightly pinch it?”
Nikki: “Seriously.”
Me: “Or grope it.”
Nikki: “Hehehehe.”
Me: “My allergies are really groping my ass. And it’s kinda nice.”

Every year in the Mongol Empire, circus performers from the Far East and would arrive to demonstrate feats of skill and daring and 1169 C.E. was no different. It was this year that a small girl-child named Temüjin would see the circus for the first time.

While the tigers, elephants, camels and phoenixes were impressive enough to the young girl, it was the knife-throwing act that kept her spellbound, until an errant throw sent a knife hurtling in her direction. Without even thinking, she stood up, turned precisely 62° clockwise, and caught the blade expertly in her peg-like baby teeth. Needless to say, she got a standing ovation from all, especially her father who quickly sold her off to the Ringmaster as “Baby Ghengis, Marvel of the Mongol Empire.”

Her career skyrocketed and Baby Ghengis soon found herself playing in small Brooklyn nightclubs, decades before Brooklyn had been discovered by the Vikings. Baby Ghengis soon learned that throwing knives was an excellent way to scare the bejeesus out of strangers. She decided to leave the circus, move to Australia and form an army.

Australia turned out to be a bust. Nothing but bored marsupials, poisonous snakes and apathetic Aboriginals. Heading back north on a Princess cruise ship, Ghengis decided that the only way she could be taken seriously was to become a man. At the Hong Kong port, she made her way through dank alleys in search of a doctor who was willing to give her gender reassignment surgery.

Back then, sex changes were somewhat primitive in nature and Ghengis found herself staring at her new penis: a large, Polish dill pickle sewn to her mons pubis. It had been spray-painted a realistic flesh tone and bore the surgeon’s signature and official Franklin Mint Collection number in 14k gold. Now a man, Ghengis moved back to Mongolia and rented a timeshare condominium from Lao Tse’s grandson where he spent his afternoons plotting world domination and strategic gardening possibilities.

THE END