Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

How many fingers am I holding up?

Image suggestion via Larfus, photo by RussellReno

Fuckle: v. To really screw something up. Won’t get you in trouble to say it. At least not right away.
Ex. Darn it all, this Windows Vista sure is fuckled up.

Janx: v. Past tense of jinx. Or should be.
Ex. I janx that bitch, but good.

Pune: adj. Something disgusting. Something that smells bad. (On a side note, how come we can impune, but not pune?)
Ex. John’s bedroom was so puned out.

Scene: Natalie and I are eating Thai in what we thought was a private booth. Behind us was a grandmother and her two unruly grandchildren.

Grandmother: Mawcus? Mawcus! You’ve taken in too much food. Spit it out. Spit it out right now, young man. Right here. Spit it out on the table.
Marcus: Plplpltew!
Granddaughter: Ew!
Grandmother: That’s bettah.
Marcus: Grandma? Who is better? Me or my cousins?
Grandmother: No one is better.
Marcus: But you said my cousins have better manners. So that makes them better.
Grandmother: I nevah said that. I said they had bettah mannuhs. That doesn’t make them bettah than you.
Marcus: Grandma? Who is Grandma Rose?
Granddaughter: That’s Grandma’s grandma, stupid!
Grandmother: Nevah tawk to your brothuh like that. She’s your great grandma, that’s who.
Granddaughter: That’s what I said.
Grandmother: Finish your food. I’m tawking to your brothah.
Marcus: Grandma? Who is your great grandma?
Grandmother: That was hundreds of years ago. No one knows. Finish your food.

These didn’t work last year or this year. Don’t try them next year.

1. When you said you wanted me to meet your mother, I knew in my heart you were special. Is she up for a three-way, as well?
2. My hulking, little love buffalo.
3. Your hips are like two enormous wetlands, teeming with wildlife.
4. You’re like a star. An imploding, White Dwarf star.
5. Your lips are crimson; like the radial blood spatter of a fatal car accident.
6. I love when you make that honking noise in bed.
7. You, my love, are brutish.
8. When I said you had a beautiful body, I was referring to the dead one you keep in the meat locker.
9. Wild, rodeo midgets couldn’t drag me away from you. But it might be fun if they tried. That sounds kinda hot, actually. Do you know any?
10. Your slim legs, those full, red lips… But I digress, how much did you say the Girl Scout cookies are?