Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Some travel hints (in Engrish) from around the world:

1. We will now be serving snakes. [Singapore Airlines]
2. Upon arrival at Kimpo and Kimahie Airport, please Wear your Clothes. [Korean Steel Mill]
3. Toilet Gents (Ladies Also) [Sign in Bangkok]
4. AEROFLOT: Introducing wide boiled aircraft for your comfort. [Ad for a Soviet Airline]
5. Akita to Okinawa. Non-Stop Fright. [Ad for JAS Airline in Japan]
6. Please Stop the Cock Uptight! [Urinal sign in Japan]
7. Invisible service is available for your rest being not disturbed. [Yuanfei Hotel, China]
8. At the cashier’s counter, kindly note that personal cheese are not accepted. [Note in the Imperial Samui Hotel guidebook, Thailand]
9. Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby is used for this purpose. [Hotel in Zurich]
10. The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. [Sign in a hotel, Bucharest, Romania]
11. It is forbidden to steal hand towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please to not read notis. [Sign in Japanese Hotel]
12. Super Piss. [Lock De-Icer from Finland]
13. Mr. Bike, Magazine for Windy People. [Japanese magazine]
14. Tidy HO! [Women's restroom in Tokyo]
15. Out of Odor. [Sign on a nightclub bathroom door, Taiwan]
16. He repairs cottages and plants flowers. His eagerness to do good makes him one of the most popular, [DVD liner notes for Alien II in Taiwan]
17. Shitseeing Bus Stop. [Tourist information map, Japan
18. Now baby. Tonight I am feeling cool and hard boiled. [Slogan on Japanese shopping bag]
19. At a Fiction of the Original Cost. [Malaysian furniture store ad]
20. I’m a Foot Soldier. No Human! Go Ape!! [Slogan on Japanese tote bag]

For the Gents (written by Davezilla)

1. Experimental facial hair will warm the jowls and frighten the fair sex.
2. “Prison-bitch” pants went the way of the Dodo. Take note.
3. There is a fine line between looking ruggedly unshaven and looking like you’ve spent a weekend bender with Gary Busey.
4. “Manpris” (capris for men) can only be worn by Belgian hairdressers.
5. There is a finite limit to the number of clip-on electronic devices that you can acceptably wear, and that number is zero.

For the Ladies (written by Natalie)

1. Only vagabonds and homeless are allowed to wear more than three layers at a time.
2. Miniskirts with Uggs. Not in my universe.
3. Pajama bottoms in public? You’d best be three years-old and looking for Mommy.
4. Contrary to popular belief, men don’t find marabou sexy. Leave it for storks.
5. Bubble skirts are for lamps, not legs.

When they say:
“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”
They really mean:
“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.”

When they say:
“Is that really a good user experience?”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“You haven’t provided the proper documentation.”
They really mean:
“I’ve ruined the project. I plan on blaming you. Somehow.”

When they say:
“That’s not a feasible timeframe.”
They really mean:
“You’re cutting into my World of Warcraft time.”

When they say:
“I like your t-shirt.”
They really mean:
“ZOMG Boobies!”

When they say:
“We can’t have that finished. The server will need to be reset tonight.”
They really mean:
“It’s my D&D night, Elven whore!”

When they say:
“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too long.”
They really mean:
“And I’ve infected your machine with a Trojan Horse that will make you responsible for bringing down the company’s network. Hope your resume is up to date.”

When they say:
“I’d be happy to help.”
They really mean:
“I found a naked picture of you and will blackmail you later.”

When they say:
“Help you build your website? Depends. What kind of website is it?”
They really mean:
“Does it have boobies?”

When they say:
“I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
They really mean:
“I’ve never seen a naked lady in person.”

1. President of the Liars Club
2. Hidden Mine Finder
3. New Orleans Levee Inspector
4. Internet’s First Spam Editor
5. Toilet Paper Roll Holder for the Iraqi government
6. Anal Toy Tester
7. Barbara Bush’s newest lawn ornament
8. Stunt double for Carrot Top
9. Bullshit Taster
10. What jobs do you think he should apply for?