Comments on: How to speak in Programmer http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/ Come for the clean humor. Stay for the filthy comments. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:27:57 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: rust http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79954 rust Sun, 12 Nov 2006 23:24:48 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79954 Don't forget the mother of all programmers, Simon, the BOFH. See here: http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard1.html BTW, Simon's Dad died recently so he's screwed up the site slightly. Don’t forget the mother of all programmers, Simon, the BOFH.

See here: http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard1.html

BTW, Simon’s Dad died recently so he’s screwed up the site slightly.

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79941 Brad K. Sun, 12 Nov 2006 14:10:17 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79941 When they say: Don't blame me if it hangs up! They Mean: My boss shipped it before we finished. Then called his kid brother to write a manual. When they say: It passed QA They Mean: It wasn't intended to work. Federal Acquisitions Rules required it to pass QA checks from a different application. When thy say: It will be finished in two weeks They mean: We can hope. The boss's schedule shows two weeks of budget lefr. Moral: The ship don't go where the captain don't steer. Most computer problems trace to managers that ship bad or incomplete products, or fail to use developer resources as effectively as they use sticky notes. When they say: Don’t blame me if it hangs up!
They Mean: My boss shipped it before we finished. Then called his kid brother to write a manual.

When they say: It passed QA
They Mean: It wasn’t intended to work. Federal Acquisitions Rules required it to pass QA checks from a different application.

When thy say: It will be finished in two weeks
They mean: We can hope. The boss’s schedule shows two weeks of budget lefr.

Moral: The ship don’t go where the captain don’t steer. Most computer problems trace to managers that ship bad or incomplete products, or fail to use developer resources as effectively as they use sticky notes.

]]> By: Penguin Pete http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79919 Penguin Pete Sun, 12 Nov 2006 00:49:01 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79919 [Comment ID #79832 will be quoted here] She seemed to have one before you arrived... [Comment ID #79832 will be quoted here]

She seemed to have one before you arrived…

]]> By: Penguin Pete http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79918 Penguin Pete Sun, 12 Nov 2006 00:45:27 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79918 Speaking as a programmer of eight languages, you nailed them all except the last one: When they say: “I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.” They really mean: "My lobotomy went great! I will never have a single cogerent thought again!" as shown by the following two bits of conventional wisdom: Q: "How do you tell it's an MSCE stranded by the road with a flat tire?" A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one's flat. Q: "How do you tell it's an MSCE stranded by the road with a dead battery?" A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one's flat. Speaking as a programmer of eight languages, you nailed them all except the last one:
When they say:
“I’ve passed all the Microsoft Certification programs.”
They really mean:
“My lobotomy went great! I will never have a single cogerent thought again!”

as shown by the following two bits of conventional wisdom:
Q: “How do you tell it’s an MSCE stranded by the road with a flat tire?” A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one’s flat.
Q: “How do you tell it’s an MSCE stranded by the road with a dead battery?” A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one’s flat.

]]> By: Tom McMahon http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79916 Tom McMahon Sat, 11 Nov 2006 23:05:39 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79916 <strong>How To Translate What Computer Programmers Say...</strong> When they say:“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”They really mean:“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.” When they say:“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too... How To Translate What Computer Programmers Say…

When they say:“The SMTP mail server may be acting erratically today.”They really mean:“Turn me down for a date, will you? See if you get email anymore.” When they say:“I see you’ve written to the CEO about the project taking too…

]]> By: Kangaroo http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79855 Kangaroo Sat, 11 Nov 2006 00:31:51 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79855 [Comment ID #79853 will be quoted here] I met Eric The Tech, and I am no longer welcome to beta test on that site, just for threatening to kick his stickies through his nostrils [Comment ID #79853 will be quoted here] I met Eric The Tech, and I am no longer welcome to beta test on that site, just for threatening to kick his stickies through his nostrils

]]> By: Dude http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79853 Dude Fri, 10 Nov 2006 23:17:50 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79853 <strong>When they say:</strong> this is an issue for Eric the Tech and he will post the solution on a stickie <strong>They really mean:</strong> Eric the Tech needs a kick in his stickies :?: When they say: this is an issue for Eric the Tech and he will post the solution on a stickie
They really mean: Eric the Tech needs a kick in his stickies :?:

]]> By: Kangaroo http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79852 Kangaroo Fri, 10 Nov 2006 23:03:05 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79852 WHEN THEY SAY: ITS YOUR COMPUTER, HERE'S 20 THINGS TO DO TO FIX IT THEY REALLY MEAN : We don't know what we are doing, try this, but its REALLY US, we just want to see you on Zoloft and Valium, bouncing off the walls. WHEN THEY SAY: ITS YOUR COMPUTER, HERE’S 20 THINGS TO DO TO FIX IT THEY REALLY MEAN : We don’t know what we are doing, try this, but its REALLY US, we just want to see you on Zoloft and Valium, bouncing off the walls.

]]> By: Mitch http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79851 Mitch Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:28:57 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79851 Nikki. Great Link. Not enough Oxy-Contin on his Cigar this week. Nikki.
Great Link.

Not enough Oxy-Contin on his Cigar this week.

]]> By: Zinta http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/comment-page-1/#comment-79850 Zinta Fri, 10 Nov 2006 20:57:22 +0000 http://www.davezilla.com/2006/11/10/how-to-speak-in-programmer/#comment-79850 When they send out an e-mail that states: We have lost a Core router which connects Nagios to all network systems. Which means that the network isn't down but Nagios thinks it is... thus it is sending out pages to all tech support and managers every 30 minutes.... and it''s going to take me 3 days to fix it because the part I need is in Puerto Rico. What they mean is: I'll freaking teach you to put me on call 3 times in a row and call me every night at 3am. (YES I am the Network Guy!!!) 8) When they send out an e-mail that states:
We have lost a Core router which connects Nagios to all network systems. Which means that the network isn’t down but Nagios thinks it is… thus it is sending out pages to all tech support and managers every 30 minutes…. and it”s going to take me 3 days to fix it because the part I need is in Puerto Rico.

What they mean is:
I’ll freaking teach you to put me on call 3 times in a row and call me every night at 3am.

(YES I am the Network Guy!!!) 8)

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