Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

I was instant messaging with my dear friend Minnie, yesterday. She mentioned that she had just gone to one of those fancy, all-day spa treatments. She had a chocolate body wrap and then 500 naked slave men washed her in Crystal champagne while virgin turtledoves flew down from heaven and fed her cheese nips.

Or something like that.

I replied that men would probably enjoy things like that if we didn’t have to beat ourselves up afterward to stay manly. Later it dawned on me that if men did have a spa day, it would be a jillion times cooler than any girly spa. The typical spa day for us would be:

1. South Sea Scrub: Do your skin a favor with this ancient treat from the briny deep. Authentic, Pacific sailors will keelhaul you, scrubbing off all that dead skin with Nature’s own exfoliator: the Northern Rock Barnacle.
2. Manly Steam Bath: Let our engineers do the work for you. They’ll rope and lash you to a real locomotive, letting generous clouds of coal-powered steam scald your skin to a healthful, radiant glow.
3. Beef Jerky Wrap: Your skin needs care, too. Wrap it in luxurious strips of spiced jerky and venison fatback. Salts and fatty acids will cure and preserve your skin, possibly through several coming Ice Ages. (Slim Jim Wrap extra)
4. Sam Adams Shower: Time to rinse away your cares with our very own beer bath. Let experienced frat boys shower you with two dozen of cans of hand-shaken, American ale. You’ll swear you’ve died and gone to Anheuser-Busch.
5. What will you do on your spa day?

The next time I spill pasta sauce on the expensive pair of white jeans Natalie bought me, be sure to remove the wallet before soaking them overnight in hot water.

“No doctor. It only hurts when I ___________.”