Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. The woman in the aisleway who prevents anyone from boarding the plane because she is busy art directing her luggage in the overhead compartment, rather than stuffing it in there and sitting down.
2. The couple who ignore their screaming toddler for the duration of the flight.
3. The wheezing sleeper I always get stuck next to.
4. The flirty girl who wants to talk to me about Jesus.
5. The mullet boy who asks me if I, “Got anyfing ta eat.”
6. The attractive woman who sexily slips off her pumps to reveal feet that smell like gangrenous musk oxen.
7. The “religious expert” who is certain I am actually Muslim.
8. The frat boys sitting three rows apart who loudly recreate the dialogue of several Jim Carey movies to each other.
9. The aging twit with the greasy comb-over who is convinced the flight attendant wants to have hot, monkey sex with him.
10. Who’s getting to you this week?

Apologies for not posting. I was stuck at Chicago O’Hare airport all night.

OK, time to come clean. As many of you know, in May I became an African priest of the Lukumí religion. Go me. What you don’t know are the restrictions placed on me, which of late have been leading to some fairly hilarious situations.

For example, I have to wear all white. Head to toe. Every day. For a year. Really. I also cannot drink for a year, go to parties, movies or or restaurants. Basically, stay home and be good for a year. I know what you are thinking, and yes, Natalie and I can still do that. I would never join a religion that bans its priests from doing the nasty. I cannot be photographed for a year either, so I can’t put any pictures up unfortunately (although I am dying to, for laughs).

So I thought I’d fill you in on some things I have been mistaken for, or referred to as, since being in all white.

1. A Muslim extremist
2. A baker
3. A Shaolin monk
4. A painter
5. A Rabbi
6. A Buddhist
7. A mime (in white?)

And now the quotes:

1. “This is some sort of stunt, right?
2. “Dave’s really putting in some ridiculous hours. He’s still wearing the same clothes from yesterday! I don’t think he ever went home.”
3. “I heard you had a religious epiphany and are moving to the Vatican?”
4. “So does the white signify … giving up television?”
5. “You do realize it’s before Labour Day and you’re in white?”