Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Few things are more pathetic than body builders. Pseudo-bodybuilders are definitely more pathetic. Too arrogant to admit they aren’t that built, but not dedicated enough to deform themselves through excessive steroid usage. Signs you may be this type:

1. They kiss their biceps
2. They refer to their biceps as, “my guns”.
3. They can afford to pimp out their Dodge 3500s, but can’t afford their cellphone bills.
4. They wear “Axe” body spray.
5. Contrary to popular belief, there is rarely a mullet. It is usually the fauxhawk, a ridiculous sort of combed-up mohawk, trimmed very short, marines-style.
6. They drink Zima. On purpose.
7. Have a “Proud NASCAR Sponsor” bumper sticker on their trucks, though they’ve never sponsored anything more expensive than girlscout cookies.
8. Conveniently forget their wallets on dates.
9. They have a porn stashes that would make Bukkake directors blush.
10. The hypnotic effect of owning breasts prevent them from eye contact with women during conversation.

Yo’ Mama’s so _______, that when she _______, she really _______.

Guest author, Marcus.

That’s cheque memos to my readers abroad. When writing a check for an unpleasant bill, there are subtle things you can do to amuse yourself, while confusing those on the receiving end. Add any I’ve missed.

1. You’re fired
2. I’m still sore from last night
3. Devil Clowns are making me write this
4. You left something by my bed
5. I knew you liked puppies, but not that way
6. I heard about your little accident
7. Congratulations on “coming out” to your office
8. My water broke; hurry!
9. I gave head to a lemur
10. What’s that smell? Is that you?
11. Have you learned about Scientology’s benefits?
12. This is my last entry… Cannibals approaching… All hope is lost…
13. I know where you sit, and I’ve just cleaned my rifle.
14. Ancay uoyay eakspay igPay atinLay?
15. I hate the socks you’re wearing
16. Have you seen my keys?
17. The tests came out positive
18. This hour is mine!
19. The baby is yours
20. What do you write on your check memos?

[ With help from Nikki ]

Mark: “Y’know Canada has more oil than any other country and them bastards are hoarding it from Americans. That’s how they maintain their air of neutrality. It’s a sham. They are ready to gun the f*ck out of anyone who finds out about the oil reserves. Nobody knows a thing about it.”

Al: “If nobody knows about it, how do you know?”

Mark: “Look, all I’m saying is you have people in this country who don’t read and who is to blame? Bush, of course. He doesn’t want black kids in Detroit to learn how to read. Then he’d have no one to be bodyguards for him. That’s how he sees it. It’s all tied back to oil in Canada. You watch the news and see.”

Me: Will you two keep it down? It’s bad enough that you’re loud, but do you have to be loud and stupid?”