Top Signs You May Be a Walking Asshole
- You double-park your Hummer in the handicapped section
- Your television cost more than your education
- You post naked pictures of your ex- online
- You often make lefthand turns from the right turn lane
- You feel the neighbor’s lawn is your ashtray
- You have nine online identities, none of which accurately reflect your age, weight, gender or disposable income
- You leave tips for the server under an overturned glass of water
- You feel that, “What? It’s biodegradable,” is a good enough excuse for not cleaning up after your dog
- You think nothing of leaving your skirt, thong and office supplies in the hallway
- You leave spam comments on my site
- What are the signs you’ve identified?
With assistance from the lovely Nikki
Tags: Words.
The twerp in the office who always bites into the last bagel/donut/slice of pizza without seeing if anyone has had one yet.
Fucktards who still think Bush is doing a great job with a 28% approval rating.
If your last name is Bush or Cheney, AND you’ve held a public office.
People that shove past you when you open a door.
You may be a walking asshole if……….
1) Gay men on the street try to fuck your face! 2) You have to part the hemorrhoids to see! 3) You frequently impale yourself…..I got nuthin…..
You try to get a date with a girl by insinuating that she should cook dinner for you. (Yes, I know this guy. I ignored this guy).
People who are ashamed of their dogs ears.
You take up more space than you require on mass transit.
Your pants don’t cover the part that shows your asshole. How do they stay on?
You went shopping and you come to my house every 10 minutes to show me what you bought. when your friends come to visit you go out to the parking lot to entertain them.
I hated that link dogs are the only animals that don’t attack us on sight and this is what we do to them.
All witnessed, to my great misfortune:
12.
Bible thumpers who INSIST my dogs won’t bite them when they try to get on our deck. Bible thumpers who INSIST on trying to talk to me over 200lbs of barking dog. Bible thumpers who INSIST on not leaving after I’ve told them I’m Wiccan (that seems to make them more zealous) Anybody who thinks you can change a gay person to straight. Anybody who likes Bush.
(I’m lacking all the Bush bashings. There’s hope for this gang yet.) 1. You invade countrys just for the sheer thrill of it. 2. You shoot, but do not kill, your rich lawyer friend while hunting. 3. You own a place called “The No Spin Zone”. 4. You allow a major US city to be destroyed because of your incompetence. 5. You cut programs for education and poor people and then talk about what a good Christian you are.
umm…
I got nothing.
I think.
Dunno.
I’ll get back to you.
Leave me your ph no:
I’ll call tommorrow.
It’s in the mail.
Great JFLY!!!
Here are some more for you.
I hate it when people dress their dogs up and think its so and loooook he loves his sweater. People who do that have way too much time on their hands. Maybe they should try doing the same thing to a lion.
A) Your name is Johnny Damon B) You take pride in wearing yankees paraphernalia C) you think that allowing a traitor to play on your team is justifiable, so long as they cut their hair and shave their facial hair off.
Do you have any idea how untrue this statement is? Lots of dogs routinely attack on sight and when was the last time a bunny took you down?
You’re a 15 year-old cheerleader and youn insist on practicing your cheers everywhere. In the women’s restroom, in restaurants, movie theaters..
You feel the need to insult your neighbor every time she walks out the door in a vain attempt to make you feel better about your pathetic life working as a vending machine stocker.
T tokens to Fenway - $2.50 Tickets to first Yankee/Red Sox game this year - $250 Too much beer and bad food - $75 Watching Damon go 0-4 with a run-scoring error in center field - PRICELESS
WOW - I feel a lot of hostility from the gang today. Do you all feel better now? That’s it - let it all out…let it go.
you think that some one you watched grow up is still a child but he is 26 and has grown up considerably since you met him at 10
I have seen every one of these.
If you proudly display the icon :troll: as your pic.
If you hassle the IT guy during his lunch because your home computer is out of ink.
If you leave your wrecked car double-parked in an apartment complex’s lot.
If you drive your friend to a bar and your friend gets sick, you make them wait out in the car until you are ready to go home (an hour and a half later).
If you leave only a shot of coffee left in the pot and don’t make more because “It’s not empty”.
If you think the gross jokes that they do to each other on “Jackass” and “Viva La Bam” are so funny that you do them to your own friends.
If you truly believe Andrew Dice Clay had it right about women.
if you think im a share my steak , and get mad when i dont if you fall in the toilet and blame it on me. like its my fault you didnt notice the seat up
if you pass me on the highway and then slow down :x idiot
if you want to fight me cause i left the party with your girl, obviously she wasnt your girl 
if you think that just cause your older you know whats best, no you still work at mcdonalds and are mad cause i pull up in a car that is more than what you get paid in a year.
if when u get drunk you start to think your interestin. get your drunk ass off me
if you get drunk at the club and think your cute by dancin on the table meanwhile your 100 lbs overweight, poor table.
if you think you can change my mind by askin me the same thing over and over.
if you let my dog bite you. nobody told you to walk in my gate that has a sign that reads killer dog. and try to sue me and kill my dog. good for you i hope it hurts.
if you drive so slow that people are passin you on a one way street in rush hour and whenever someone tries to pass you you speed up.then drive slow again.
thats all for now
If you let your dog out of your yard …… with no leash, knowing that it could bite someone.
If you send a country to war over something your father started…(Bush) 
If you sit in front of somebody’s apartment and lay on your car horn…. at 2:30 IN THE MORNING
If you let your child throw temper tantrums… in the middle of a busy grocery isle. If you COMPLETLY ruin a country’s economy….(Bush)
you walk into someones house and go straight to the fridge and make yourself somethin to eat before sayin hi. get the f..k out my house before i sick killa on you freeloader.
just because your football team won the superbowl you think your the s..t. you aint win s..t ass hole the team did. dumbass. you still suck and your still pathetic.
if you think cause i got a six pack that you can just walk up and take one without askin, and never chip in for more beer.
If you see a person & car stranded/broke down on the side of the road and even though the lane next to you is empty you do not get over nor slow down.
The jackasses that see everyone is merging over into one of the lanes because the other lane is closed so instead of just merging over they hit the gas and fly down the lane, passing all those who merged when they were supposed to, knowing full well that someone will let them in. I refuse.
I actually saw someone do this when there was a wreck on the highway. Traffic was backed up considerably and everyone was over in the right lane. Some stupid bitch thinks she is gonna drive all the way up to the wreck in the left lane. So she drives all the way up where the cops & rescue are trying to deal with the wreck. Obviously there was no where for her to go so she turns around and drives the wrong direction in the left lane. I was laughing as the Indiana State Police Officer chased her down and pulled her over. Finally one of those jackasses got what was coming to them.
If you know somebody’s gay and still tell your friend that they should hit on that person. If you fart in an elevator, and everybody knows that it was you and you still look around as if you’re innocent. If you use the bathroom…at an arena…. leave toilet paper in the toilet… don’t flush… And THEN DON”T wash your hands… even though there’s a long line of other women in that same room.
If you know you’re down to the last rool of toilet paper and don’t tell anyvody so that they can some more :x
If you’re 45………. And STILL LIVE with mother…….. and try to hit on 21 year old single women :?:
Oh my goodness Dave, I’ve always suspected but now I know- #s 1-8 are bred right here in central Va. I don’t know if they migrate or exported.
I dittoe MikeB’s comment about those who think Bush is doing a good job as president. Personally, I don’t think he has enough brains or capability of even doing doing a good hand job, let alone one as president. Although I do give him credit for demonstrating great ability at beting a lying bastard!
If you fart a SBD while walking down a shopping isle then go to the end of the isle & watch the nose wrinkles & gags!!
The people who miss the 5 signs that say “cash only” then get pissy when they can’t pay with a credit card.
Damn forgot my avatar again…
Pepole who are behind you at a stop light that honk their horns as soon as the light turns green (they must be from jersey)
people who ask for a place to crash for one night then try to move in just because you own your house. (get out!) when greyhound over books your bus by 120 people. if you must touch every pregnant belly you see.(stop touching me!)call animal control becuz you have tied your dog out for the 10min it takes them to shit.that person that insists they are the only ones who knows anything about cars, and badgers you to let them fix yours when they can’t even keep theirs running.(no means no!) ok thats all i’v got
Your idea of foreplay is chopping up a black wig, gluing it all over yourself, and forcing your significant other to call you Robin Williams while they rub nacho cheese all over your body.
Wow. I dont agree with everything republicans do, but I still take a lesser of two evils. And I don’t consider myself an asshole for it.
I see some road rage here. I remember a story in Boston which was a bad case of road rage. An old guy shoot the other driver with a crossbow and killed him. Take that asshole
Some more assholes
This bitching about asshole stuff is very relaxing. Like therapy Dave.
Your television cost more than your education…and you’ve defaulted on your student loans.
You are a walking asshole when your waitress(me) comes to your table to take your order and you are too busy talking on your cell phone to even notice that I am there and then act like I am bothering you when I ask to take your order. You are short when you give your order and then you complain to the other person that you were being bothered. F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4) People try to light your burps! 5) Klingons keep getting stuck in your teeth!
if where ever you go people have an “i hate you” look on their face oh wait thats me never mind…….
You lie your pathetic ass off on your myspace profile and think you can get away with it. Duh - some of us went to high school with you.
You are 14 years younger than my husband but stare at him as though I’m not standing next to him holding his hand or grabbing his ass.
You cut ahead of me in line at the DMV - I’ve been waiting 3 hours already!!!
You come to work sick as a dog and give your germs to everyone here.
Wow thanks people for making me laugh today!! Thankx Dave……I love this site!!
You smack your food loud enough for the whole room to hear.
or
You blow your nose like a trumpet at the table at a packed restaurant
You have a stupid plastic goose on your front porch that you dress up accordingly for each holiday (I have always wanted to ride around the neighborhood late at night and shoot those damned things like it was hunting season).
You are a landlord who can’t wait 3 fricking days for the rent, but you own 6 houses and 2 sportscars and take 4 vacations a year.
You’re a racist cop who treats the victim like the criminal just because the criminal is the same race as you.
You talk about your boring job constantly and in great detail until I am sliding off my chair and under the table like I am 6-year-old.
You constantly cut people off in conversation and never listen to what anyone else has to say. Shut up!
You’re a man and you think that all women need to be treated like they are dumb blondes (chances are my IQ is higher than yours, asshole).
You try to catch vegetarians “cheating”. We don’t bitch when you eat a salad, do we?
You write in library books or worse yet, tear out pages.
If you slam on Bush and Cheney cause the 4 foot tall guy on the “Daily Show” sounds so funny when he does it.
If your baseball team pays more in luxury tax than other teams pay their entire roster and you still cant win a pennant.
The Cubs… the goat is stronger than the babe.
You make your dog wear a babushka (see link of the day).
people who push past a couple riding the escalator if your in such a hurry try the stairs
it is not the dogs fault but the asshole owners
people who sit talking on their cell phones when the light turns green and don’t notice
Lets see here… You’re a Clinton You’re a Kennedy You think that taking my money in the form of taxes that I pay from money I earned and giving it to some drooling crippled kid is a great idea You insist on cooking curry and fish at work You wear a freaking towel on your head and smell like ass You bathe in the toilet at work You sit in your cube and fart all day and everyone is too polite to tell you that it smells like a small rodent climbed into your ass and died You have the audacity to have a heart attack at work You die at work and do not add the time to the vacation schedule so we know that you will be out
Your name is MrDoug
When some asshole pulls out in front of me going 10, so I get into other lane to pass him, the asshole speeds up to 45 so I can’t, then slams on his brakes! That is an asshole! It probably a good thing I don’t own a gun. :x
The reverse is equally bad, Traci. When they zoom up to pass you and then slow down below the speed limit.
thanks mandy,this prick isnt good for the dougs.burn prick burn
Two days ago, I suspected Mandy was the perfect woman. Today, I’m sure of it.
Thanks, Mandy!
Sniff Sniff it is true I am beyond a doubt a, Brown eye, leather cherio etc.
But like all wrong opinions everyone has one…some are just biger than others…
It is against common sense to stand 2 by 2 on the escalator and most people would consider it rude. You can still talk to your friend, knit a sweater, read War and Peace, and practice Yoga if you stand to one side. Think about this, they look like stairs for a reason.
You’re a fucking god damn politician!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :x
people who tell you how to raise your kids and they have none people who tell you spanking is wrong as there child destroys things around them
LMAO…I almost said that Nikki. I’m part Czech and it’s the first thing that came to my mind when I viewed that link. I’m wondering when the owners will equip the dogs with shopping bags or accordions… :P
if u stare at
:boob: all day long. u’re the opposite of an ashole. 
You know, Dave, if this site is supposed to be “Clean humor, filthy comments”, maybe you should have called today’s topic, “Top Signs You May Be a Walking Pulsating sphincter”. (you know, just for future reference)
We need MR DOUG to keep the universe in balance. If we have to listen to Mitch blather on, we need to listen to MR DOUG. (Of course, Mitch is WAY more intelligent and humorous, and probably better looking - not as good looking as Mandy, tho, or Bjorn, but….well, what I’m trying to say is..
You leave a paper clip, thong and skirt outside of your apartment to drive your neighbor crazy…..
Things that show you might be a walking asshole. Hmm, I think that maybe I can come up with a couple..
I can’t think of anymore! X-x;
When your dad says “We need these 3 songs off of this cd and this one off of this cd, and then we need at least 5 seconds of space between them, and all burned on a cd. Oh, by the way, we’re leaving for the funeral in 2 minutes, so hurry.”
Asshole.
You are DEFINITELY an asshole if you don’t accept responsibilty for your own actions and you blame everything wrong with your life on the Bush administration.
IF YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE OPENLY IN A PACKED RESTAURANT OOOOOOOOOO…..THAT PISSES ME OFF, TAKE YOUR ASSHOLE SELF TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
You’re name is jay leno.
LOL!
Re: #4 : You refuse to help others at work, when they are polite about it.
a couple from england: you know you’re a walking asshole when:
Rest assured i’ll be returning later with some more gems from the other side of the pond. Oh yes, what’s this ‘bush’ everyone keeps complaining about? is it some kind of topiary? Like a small shrub perhaps?
inewton. That’s Breton for “born without a penis”, isn’t it?
:D
Trust me I DO accept responsibility for my own actions, faults, and problems I cause. I do not blame anything in my own sphere of reality on the Bush admin. I just like to point out the problems that the Bush admin has caused, like just about every problem nationally that has occured since the little prick nicknamed “DUBYA” got elected president of OUR country the good ol’ USA. I just want to point out the questionable leader’s faults, and it makes me happy doing so.
continued from above
sphere of reality - the enviroment in which you are intact with on a daily basis using your five natural senses
EXAMPLE: My sphere of reality is changing, the sphere is getting smaller and my sense of reality is getting more and more fake everyday. Quoted from…um…myself.
And on an even less serious note, I thought about giving our great bonehead of a president a new nickname, one with street credit, like “P. Diddy” befor he became just Diddy…and the only one I could come up with was “Dubya B.”…and then I got to thinking about it…and unfortunately I would probably get sued by Warner Bros. for gimmick infringement from their soon-to-be-defunct television station. So it looks like I will have to stck with “The Boy King” George Dubya…or Boy George, for short!!! :D
Sorry to ALL Boy George Fans…no matter how few :P
The musician, not the president!!
He has fans?
I only put it there just incase the ONE fan(if in existance) that’s not Boy George…er…him…self…might have seen the post. You never know, anything is possible, nothing is impossible.
And I think the “He has fans?” comment you made applies to the President Boy George, as well.