Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Ever notice that littlest things can be the most annoying? For example:

1. Eating a decent bowl of clam chowder and suddenly biting into sand
2. Walking through a yard and getting a single strand of spiderweb across your cheek, which means you will be feeling the damned thing for the next two hours
3. Watching someone speak at a luncheon, and noticing they have a piece of corn dangling from their beard that doesn’t have the good graces to fall off on its own
4. Talking to a drop dead gorgeous woman who has a lazy eye
5. Hearing a mosquito in the bedroom after you’ve just fallen asleep. Turning the light on and seeing nothing. Turning the light back out and hearing the winged bastard inches from your face
6. Eating scrambled eggs and crunching down on eggshell
7. Smelling something foul in the room, but as you try to locate the source, it seems to be impossible to trace
8. Feeling an ant on your hand. Worse is finding two ants, which means you might as well have 70
9. Getting shot by the Vice-President
10. What little things are bothering you?

So this bear and this hooker go into a bar…

1. Happy Valentines Day, darling!
   You can get naked now.
2. I never thought I’d meet a woman
   who was such a perfect combination
   of sensitivity, beauty and grace.
   Plus you swallow.
3. I even cleaned the toilet seat for you.
4. Three Magical Words: Get naked now.
5. My heart wants to say I love you.
   My penis wants to say something, too.
6. Your beauty is only exceeded
   by the slit in your skirt
7. I love when you
   let the neighbors watch
8. Your kisses are better than chocolate
   Well, better than cheap chocolate
9. Happy Valentines Day
   I hope the shackles fit
10. What cards would you like to see?