Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

In the vein of Chuck Norris Facts, I bring you Angelina Jolie Facts

1. After consumation of the sex act, Angelina devours her mates.
2. Angelina Jolie’s doctor takes her temperature with a Kelvin thermometer.
3. Angelina can start brushfires by walking across grass.*
4. Dolphins and whales frequently beach themselves in an attempt to see Angelina suntanning.
5. Angelina Jolie is being deployed to Afghanistan. The mere sight of her will cause Al Qaida members to die from their unstoppable erections.
6. Every poet who has tried to describe her lips has died from the impossibility of finding the proper adjectives.
7. Global warming occurs every time Angelina Jolie does a shower scene in a movie.
8. Old Faith isn’t a geyser; it’s the Earth ejaculating from the mere presence of Angelina Jolie.*
9. Angelina’s thighs can squeeze coal into diamonds.*
10. So can her lips.
11. “Don’t rock the boat” does not apply to Angelina Jolie. She rocks every boat.
12. Angelina Jolie’s lips can be used as a flotation device.
13. After Angelina Jolie was born, 50% of the world’s hottest women committed suicide out of respect.
14. Helen of Troy launched a 1,000 ships. Angelina Jolie slept with every one of the sailors.
15. Marilyn Monroe died so Angelina could show the rest of the women how it’s done.
16. Angelina Jolie taught Jell-O how to wiggle.
17. Angelina Jolie’s pictures have never appeared on “Am I Hot or Not?” Their rating scale doesn’t allow exponents.
18. Angelina once did her Kegel Exercises in the Pacific Ocean. The resulting tsunami left thousands of Sri Lankans homeless.
19. Hard water is caused by Angelina Jolie bathing in it.
20. Sex asks Angelina for tips.

*From the lovely Nikki

1. I have a life
2. I like having a live girlfriend.
3. I have enough problems of my own without worrying about an imaginary person’s problems as well
4. My health care plan doesn’t cover “loss of hit points”
5. I’d rather battle my finances than some orcs
6. I like to think there is more to my fate than a roll of the dice
7. I can’t eat Doritos more than once a year
8. Spending my Friday nights with a roomful of sweaty, fat men talking about traveling with a group of sweaty, armored men is not my cup of tea
9. I prefer to end games with points or hotels, not severed limbs
10. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a codpiece
11. I’m sure there are more, but it’s 2:30am

As if it wasn’t weird enough that scientists have been producing goats that give spider silk from their udders. Minnie and Nichole alerted me to two different articles on glow-in-the-dark pigs.

It sounds like something a grandparent would say. “Yeah, that’ll happen when pigs glow in the dark.”

1. I have never pushed a hamster down a flight of stairs
2. When people tell me they want to “think out of the box”, I want to seal them in an airtight one
3. Coffee-drinking is the sport of kings
4. I am no friend of the mighty woodpecker
5. I often wonder if the spork has ever been used lethally
6. When a woman asks you to get Baby’s Breath in her bouquet, she means a type of flower. Boy, did I ever screw that one up
7. When pigs can fly, I’m buying a thicker umbrella
8. I do not believe that anyone really likes eggnog
9. The greatest invention of the 20th Century was the aglet
10. There’s a special place in my heart for people who remain on their cellphone while ordering at a coffeehouse. It’s real low in my heart, kinda near my colon
11. It takes a nation of midgets to stop me
12. No amount of ketchup or jam will make styrofoam taste good
13. I cannot count to twenty