Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Dog is to London Underground as trepanation is to ________ .
Misery is to sophistry as sea cucumbers are to ________ .
Geysers are to petting zoos as wingnuts are to ________ .

1. …women’s purses only have four items in them
2. …an entire corporation’s data fits on a single disk
3. …men can unhook bras on the first try
4. …storms and wars can be quieted when the hero has something important to say
5. …predatory animals suffer from glaucoma and see in thermovision
6. …any computer security system can be broken into with the password “override”
7. …no one gets cramped or kneed in the face during sex
8. …all monsters—even giant insects—make pig squealing sounds when shot
9. …swipe card slots can be defeated with Bobby pins, as can most locks
10. …pre-Roman barbarian women had tramp stamps and Brazilian waxings
11. …no one notices that the only vampire in high school has white skin, fangs and pointed ears
12. …blonde women are always ready for sex, never menstruate or need protection
13. …revolvers have 37 bullets per cartridge
14. …the first person to be affected by a toxic chemical will take weeks to change slowly. Subsequent victims will turn instantly
15. …the chief of police is always an angry, middle-aged black man, ready to suspend his officers on the first offense without waiting for Internal Services to review the case
16. …criminals need only be read two of the three Miranda rights
17. …women cannot take showers without masturbating or being slashed to pieces
18. …it only takes 15 seconds for a woman’s hair to be dry after swimming to safety
19. …female psychiatrists and detectives will bang their male clients after the second meeting
20. …every mess will be cleaned up the exact second your parents open the door

1. Spruce needles
2. Bacon
3. Ramen
4. Live guppies
5. Dijonnaise
6. Bullion cubes
7. Gouda
8. Spam
9. Poutine
10. Scrambled Egg
11. Pepperoni
12. Mice
13. Balut
14. Chitterlings
15. Krab
16. Meringue
17. Foil
18. a Guinea Pig
19. Pie
20. And your suggestion?

Based on an idea by reader, H. R. Gerrard, today’s Caption Time will be a cartoon instead of a photo. Have at it!