Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

So what’s in the box. No more than thirteen guesses, each.

Darth Vader, Freddy Kruger, Hannibal Lector, Dracula, Chucky and others show us the meaning of Christmas in this trouching video. [cough]

Longtime reader Dante’s idea: Good thing, too. I start a story and each one of you continues it. Here’s the catch: You can only add one word per comment. Got that? One word.

I knew I’d given grandmother my lover’s present when she opened the box and pulled out a huge ________.

This year, give gifts that they’ll never forget. Or forgive.

1. A bucket of fresh, molten lava
2. Their very own Manure Spreader
3. A stack of stolen porn
4. An Igia Hair Removal kit
5. A map of Guam
6. A new tongue scraper
7. An actual Jivaro shrunken head
8. A sea lamprey
9. A date with this woman
10. A bowl of eyelashes
11. What are you planning on buying this year?

After finding the impossible present for Natalie today, I was quite proud and decided to celebrate at my luck by stopping at Tom’s Oyster Bar for some chowdah and a Guinness, henceforth known as the best lunch ever. Nearby was a boisterous couple. Their conversation was both amusing and ridiculous. I jotted down as much as I could on a napkin for your enjoyment, because I love you.

Background: She is from Miami and met him online. He wants her to move in with him, but she wants a ring on her finger first. All of her earthly possessions are in a van parked nearby. Her skin has seen too much of the Florida sun and has a crocodilian texture. He seems not to have seen daylight in many a year. I suspect she lured him out of hibernation, or perhaps, from under a bridge.

Her: “I’m clumshy. Everyone shinksh I’m drunk alla time, but itsh jusht clumshinesh.”

Her: “I won’t move my shtuff until you buy me a ring. Unnershtan?
Him: “I can’t afford no ring, I just bought you lunch.”
Her: “You can too. Jusht take my credit card and get me one.”
Him: “You gotta credit card?”
Her: “The other thing wuzh… [ pause ] Oh! My kidsh are afeared of you.”
Him: “If they say I touched them, they are fucking liars.”
Her: “I know. Fuck-fuckin’ kidsh. Hey, marry me.”

Her: “Look at thish bag. Ishn’t thish nishe?”
Him: “Yeah. Looks expensive.”
Her: “It ish! I got it at Macy’sh. It was at leasht $200.”
Him: “How’d you afford that?”
Her: “Silly. I shtole it.”
Him: “Cool.”