The Hippie Chick

Making a dramatic resurgence in popularity in recent years, the Earth Mother’s younger, inebriated equivalent, the Hippie Chick is a sight to behold. Or flee from.

Look for silky hair, wavy, golden-red and reaching almost to the floor—and that’s just her armpit hair. Her skin is either sun-freckled or drug-acned, and I don’t wish to get close enough to determine which. Many a man has seen her cutting flowers at outdoor concerts, naked as a jaybird, but—from the amount of leg hair—mistook her for a Satyr.

She has one of those odd builds: child-bearing hips, but almost no breasts, a head like Alfred E. Neumann, and several regrettable, homemade tattoos. Her teeth are gapped, not in a natural, cute way, more of a, “My boyfriend lost the bottle opener” way.

Quotes:

1. “I don’t believe in shaving body hair. That is a plot created by the patriarchal society that women are subjected to.”
2. “Are you going to pay me in weed again… ’cause I really need bus fare this time.”
3. Dude… where is th… um… yeah so like… um… Are you going to pay me in weed again?”
4. “Is that a UFO? Oh no, sorry. Bad flashback maaaa-aaaann.”
5. “Jerry’s dead? Bummer.”

Second only in popularity to The Earth Mother, The Nudist is usually an elderly gentleman, with a silver ponytail collected from his few remaining strands of hair. His buttocks are withered as raisins and his hairy stomach hangs from him like a weaverbird nest.

The Nudist loves the outdoors and finds no greater pleasure than sunbathing on the front lawn, while waving casually to his astonished neighbors. He’s retired from his corporate job and now spends his days making wine in his basement in the nude, reading “Naturist” magazines while nude, and riding his Harley, in the nude.

Quotes:

1. “Pretty young thing like you confined in all that clothing. It ain’t natural.”
2. “Course, me and my ladyfriend still have sex from time to time. We did it last night on the bench you’re sitting on.”
3. “How’s the Cabernet? You know I was nude when I made that.”
4. “I’m just trying to get back to Eden. Fruits, nuts and nude folk. How God intended it.”
5. “I know your aunt! We shared a hot tub up north. Nude.”

The Earth Mother is probably the most common of artists’ models. A vast expanse of doughy flesh topped with a mop of unshorn hair, she is happiest walking aboutau naturale in the presence of young men. The Earth Mother feels it is her duty on earth to inform budding artists of the benefits of an all-tofu diet, something she is clearly not adhering to, given her ponderous girth.

Quotes:

1. “Maybe the men in the class would be more comfortable with my body if they explored it physically. Y’know, just to get a feel for the curves and textures.”
2. “I made a tofu-loaf, if anyone is hungry.”
3. “I’m saving my menstrual blood in a jar. Someday I may need it.”
4. “I have seven lovers right now, all between the ages of 17 and 24. I’m trying to make them explore their feminine side, but they keep refusing to wear the mumus I made for them.”
5. My youngest son and I often bathe together. He’s graduating medical school next month.”

From The Schoolyard Rhyme Project:

UNITED STATES
Baby, baby
Stick your head in gravy
Wash it out with bubble gum
and send it to the Navy

SOUTH AFRICA
Yum yum bubble gum
Stick your finger up your bum
If it’s nice, lick it twice
Yum yum bubble gum

DENMARK
Hvis og hvis min røv var spids
og fuld af limonade,
så måtte du min ven slikke
den til ballerne blev flade

[English Translation]
If or if not my butt was pointy
and filled with lemonade,
then you my friends could lick it
until my buttocks were flat

I am dying to hear your comments.