Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. I am thankful that my family doesn’t make me eat tofurkey
2. I am thankful that ferrets do not have opposable thumbs
3. I am thankful that cars don’t run on pudding
4. I am thankful that David Lee Roth is not a paramedic where I live
5. I am thankful that my landlords chose lime and indigo for the hallway instead of magenta and olive

1. I do not own a waistcoat
2. I am not a member of the Illuminatus
3. I am non-stick and won’t fade in warm water
4. I have never yelled at a Praying Mantis
5. I detest gauchos, skorts and ugs
6. Mice fear me
7. I hold low opinions of the willfully ignorant
8. I prefer beer to liquor and soy milk to pistol whippings
9. I hate when DJs say “Rocktober”
10. I am petitioning to have caffeine declared a vitamin
11. If I could sum up my life in one word, it would be antilugibriluositanimous
12. I eat carbs in the face of Atkins dieters, and wear glasses before anyone with LASIK
13. I refuse to be associated with seagulls. At least, not anymore
14. In the kingdom of apathy, I eat the royal nectarines
15. I broke the heart of an enamoured finch
    
16. I have no tar or nicotine
17. There is no problem so complex, that coffee could not solve
18. I once bred tetras. On purpose
19. If women are rain and men are ice, I am a gum wrapper
    
20. I had my aura pierced with double aught plugs

During a screening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Natalie and I ended up sitting next to J-Lo’s hairstylist (or so he claimed). He also claimed (loudly) that he did hair for Natasha Stilwell, host of Discovery Canada’s Daily Planet show. His comments gave me weeks of material, but I’ve decided to condense my 10 favorites into one post.

1. “OMG… Look. It’s J-Lo. I absolutely LOVE her. See the hair? That’s a tri-layer. Three colors. Takes four hours. Wait, shhh, look at this thing she does with her leg. Faaaabulous!”
2. “No, this is the fourth movie. They’re all in a row. In this one, Harry is like 16 or 17 by now. There’s like 12 other books after this one.”
3. “What’s that say? Snickers … really … satisfies. Hm! That’s really good to know.”
4. “Oohhhhh, fruit roll-ups. The cherry ones are really good.”
5. “Natasha? Oh, she has the thinnest hair. It’s terrible. And Jay? Poor dear has clown hair.”
6. “Oh, King Kong. What have they done to you? Kong isn’t mean. He’s actually very nice. They got it wrong, wrong, wrong.”
7. “Is that? DeNiro! I should do his hair. Call me!”
8. “You know Allen and I have been friends 20 years. Still don’t know his last name.”
9. “Oh Barbra (Streisand)! Look how sad Barry (Gibb) is. Must be from recording with you.”
10. “Harry’s owl is magic. It’s not that owl. His was made from chocolate. From white chocolate.”