Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. She counts the number of syllables you say in each sentence and informs you.
2. She sits down to watch the Disney Channel with your parents. In the nude.
3. She believes Jack Chick tracts to be very real and accurate.
4. She wears sweatsocks under her nylons.
5. Her armpit hair is corn-rowed.
6. Your friends tell you that you couldn’t have just asked her on a date. She died in a car accident 10 years today.
7. She brings a clipboard of criteria you must meet.
8. Dogs and small children naturally flee when she approaches.
9. She lives in a pond.
10. What bad dates can you share with the class?

1. Ex-Marines who constantly say, “Hey. That’s how we did it in the Corps.”
2. The guy who feels compelled to one-up every story anyone tells
3. The masses who annually forget how to brake after the first 1/2″ of snow falls. Mainly Southerners, who—bless their hearts—can’t drive decently any time of the year
4. People who brag at work about how much they give to charity but tell the homeless they can’t spare a quarter
5. People who actually believe in dragons
6. Stores that charge more for their gift boxes than for the gifts in them
7. People responsible for recipes like Spam cupcakes
8. Friends who call you up and promptly put you on hold so they can take another call
9. The person you linked to once who became an overnight stalker
10. Who do you dislike today?

I have no words. Enjoy.

Today, I saw this. She had apparently just made a stop in Noir Leather (local S&M boutique) for a miniskirt and some knee-high leather fuckme boots. This would normally be kind of hot except that she was well over 50 and had doughy jowls that hung like turkey wattles.

The 80s padded shoulders, topped with a goose-down vest just sort of made the entire thing … well, laughable. If Carson Kressley had seen her, he would have imploded instantly.

My guess is she’s either going through a mid-life crisis (yes, women can get them, too), or is actually Marilyn Manson’s Grandmother.

1. I am thankful that my family doesn’t make me eat tofurkey
2. I am thankful that ferrets do not have opposable thumbs
3. I am thankful that cars don’t run on pudding
4. I am thankful that David Lee Roth is not a paramedic where I live
5. I am thankful that my landlords chose lime and indigo for the hallway instead of magenta and olive