Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

In the event of a hurricane, take only what’s necessary: Toilet Paper, Bud Light, Keystone Ice, Budweiser, Red Dog, and a piece of plywood to float the ole lady on.

Woman in line at Starbucks: “May I have a tall uh, that cararmel drink?”
Barista: “Macchiato?”
Woman: “Knock-uh-tanno?”
Barista: “Macchiato.”
Woman: “Tach-uh-nano? One more time please?”
Barista: [sigh] “Macchiato.”
Woman: “I apologize. Those Japanese names really throw me.”

We’ve all asked ourself the question, “Where does the time go?” I think I have the answer to that question. Look at the photo below:

It’s quite obvious. Troy is stealing time from the rest of us. How else could they be the city of tomorrow, today?

1. Seeing an ambulance is very unlucky and if you see one, it’s coming to take mommy and daddy away. Forever.
2. A bird flying in the house means you won’t have a birthday this year.
3. If you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake with the first puff you will get your wish. If you fail, all your presents will be sent to starving children in China who will eat them.
4. If your cheeks suddenly feel on fire, someone is telling your parents that you are failing in school.
5. It’s bad luck to pick up a coin if it’s tails side up. If you do, your kitten will get the mange.
6. A dog howling at night when someone in the house is sick is all your fault.
7. It is bad luck to cut your fingernails on Friday or Sunday, or any day Monday through Saturday.
8. If the palm of your right hand itches it means Santa told Mommy that you touch it.
9. Don’t knit a pair of socks for your boyfriend or he’ll attempt to knit something for you.
10. To break a mirror means 7 years that Santa will give your presents to your older brother.
11. A girl standing under a mistletoe cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege. If she’s hot and over 21, she must strip on command as well. It’s Santa’s law, not mine.
12. If you forget to throw salt over your shoulder, you will be torn to pieces by Satan’s Clown Army.
13. The devil enters your body every time you sneeze. Having someone say, “God bless you,” does little good, but it does give the other person something to do.
14. It’s bad luck to open an umbrella inside the house, and if you put it over your head, you will be impotent.
15. Cover your mouth when you yawn, or God will tell everyone what you do in the bathroom.