Caption Time #65
Archive for August, 2005
I am in need of two safety pins
While at the corporate giant coffeehouse the other day, I had the unfortunate experience of standing in line behind a most irksome woman, a beastly snob who felt the world was here to serve her. Picture Harry Potter’s fat Aunt Marge with an uppity East Coast accent.
She got out of line to ask two other women what their opinion was of her shoulderpads:
Annoying woman: “Ladies. If you were to go to a wedding, [ turns around ] and you had these shoulderpads, would you cut them out, or leave them?”
Both women said, “Uh, cut them out?”
Annoying woman: “See, this is why I asked you instead of a man [points rudely at me and her husband]. Like they would know what I’m talking about. You! [ snaps her fingers ] Good and helpful people of Starbucks! I am in need of two safety pins! Hurry now.”
Barista: “Ma’am, we don’t carry sewing supplies.”
Annoying woman: “I see. All right then, a straight pin.”
Barista: “We … don’t have those either.”
Annoying woman: “Well this won’t do. You come into Starbucks and expect someone to help you and they practically spit in your face. I … [ dramatic hand flourish ] am leaving.”
“It was a dark and stormy night…”
Were I to write a novel, there would be no clever plot ideas waiting in my notebooks, but I do have an opening line:
“I have no love for the buttons my tailor chose…”
It’s ambiguous, pretentious and mysterious in only ten simple words. What would yours be?
