How not to pick up girls
Today I witnessed the worst attempt at a pickup I have ever seen, and believe me, that is really saying something. The woman was attractive in a standard, tan, blonde Barbie-Doll kind of way. Well-dressed, curvy and just sexy enough to make most men snap their necks around. So she was in line buying a coffee when out of nowhere, this annoying, spiky-haired guy bursts in and gets about six inches from her face. “Yo baby, I can make you a model. You’ll be making ten thou a day. No prob! Serious! You so hot, baby.”
Naturally she was repulsed and backed away from him. He kept it up and she finally told him to fuck off. He stormed out, swearing at her as loud as he could. I went up to her (not to do the same thing, trust me) and asked her, “Did he just say what I thought he said?”
“Yeah, I guess. He followed me all the way here, cat-calling and telling me how big it was.”
Fellas, please. If you plan on getting some, the following phrases simply will not work on strangers. (Not that I’ve tried them, ahem).
- Never tell her she has great big cow-like udders that you want to milk.
- Don’t tell her that her cameltoe, “reminds me of a large magazine rack”.
- Never tell her you want too see her dance naked in front of her dad (unless it’s Paris Hilton).
- Please don’t say that she looks, “a bit worse than a two dollar whore”.
- Never tell her that when she walked in, you thought she was one of your frat brothers on a bender.
- Do not mention that her ass reminded you of a baboon you once nailed at the zoo.
- Never tell her that you doubt you’ll catch anything from her that you don’t already have.
- Please don’t say she is “damn pretty for a Grey”.
- Do not reveal that you are Pauly Shore.
- Never mention that your “parole officer is expecting you back by 9PM.
Ladies, please feel free to add any nasty ones that have been thrust upon you (’scuse the pun).
