Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Wow. Last night as I read my email I was aghast by some of the links that came in.

1. MJJ Source, Link via Esther
2. Unicorn Orgy. Hummel figurines for bestial pagans? [NFSW]
3. Too sick to work, but not too sick to wrestle alligators

When they say, “The client wants to move in a new direction…”
They mean, “I want to move in a new direction…”

When they say, “The client believes your idea may be detrimental to their business.”
They mean, “I have no idea what your idea means. Does it have like, science or something?”

When they say, “The client still hasn’t come to a decision on that yet.”
They mean, “I forgot to call the client. Again.”

When they say, “This is a rush project.”
They mean, “I just found this folder behind my desk. It’s been there since last September.”

When they say, “This project requires your utmost attention.”
They mean, “I haven’t read the client’s briefing. You do it.”

When they say, “I need some time to look this over.”
They mean, “I want to surf porn in my office.”

When they say, “Let’s regroup to discuss this.”
They mean, “I’d rather blather on than do a lick of work.”

When they say, “You didn’t follow this project to specs.”
They mean, “I didn’t take notes in the meetings, this project is fucked and somehow I’m going to pin it on you.”

When they say, “This will have to go through the legal department while I’m on vacation.”
They mean, “The client will be getting sued for my stupidity, so I’m leaving town ASAP.”

When they say, “That answer doesn’t sit well with me.”
They mean, “I had Taco Bell for lunch.”

Do not get into a conversation with this man ever again.

The next time we share ice cream with the cats, wear a tinfoil hat afterward to shield our brain from the cats. They are trying to melt our brain with their heat vision.

1. Finding Earwigs in your shoes
2. Discovering how many of your neighbors and coworkers eschew deoderant.
3. Realizing your neighbors have turned into Earwigs.
4. Smelling year-old grease burning on your neighbour’s barbecue.
5. Realizing it’s not grease; they’re grilling Earwigs.
6. Seeing a sexy woman adjusting her Daisy Dukes from behind and realizing she’s actually a man.
7. Trying your mother’s potato salad at a picnic, tasting a bad piece of potato and discovering it’s an Earwig.
8. Seeing your next-door neighbor stripping out of her flimsy tank top and sitting naked on the balcony. She’s built like John Goodman.
9. Watching your air conditioner die on the hottest day of the year.
10. Did I mention the Earwigs?