Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

WARNING: Extreme geek humor ahead

PML (Porno Markup Language), a pornographic computer language specification proposed by DL Byron is nearly ready for release by the W3C. The specifications are as follows:

Latest version:
http://www.w3.org/TR/porno-spec/
Previous version:
http://www.w3.org/TR/2005/TIT-porno-spec-20050428/

• Editor:
• DL Byron
• Contributors:
• Davezilla

W3C Jerking Draft 30 June 2005

PML is a general-porno markup language designed for representing the sex industry for a wide range of perversions across the World Wide Web. To this end it does not attempt to be all things to all people, supplying every possible kinky jerkoff idiom, but to supply a generally useful set of naughty bits.

Status of this Document

Publication as a Jerking Draft does not imply endorsement by the sex industry. This is a draft document and may be updated, replaced or obsoleted by better porn at any time. It is inappropriate to cite this document as other than “jerk in progress.”

Quick Table of Contents

1. Introduction
2. Sperms and Definitions
3. Performance Definition and Anxiety
4. The PML Document Type
5. Latex Definition Conventions
6. PML Sex Module
7. PML Hypersexed Module
8. PML Whore Attributes Module
9. PML Bi-sexual Sex Attribute Module
10. PML Instant Arousal Module
11. PML Bedding Attributes Module
12. PML Penis Handler Module
13. PML Naughty Image Module
14. List of Actresses

Example Code

8.1. Bi-sexual Sex Attribute Module

dir = “TtB|rtl|lro|rlo”

This attribute allows the author to specify the direction of the actress’s sexual position. This direction affects the display of characters as defined in Vivid Video’s The Bi-sexual Algorithm [UAX69], and defines directional properties of sex as defined by PML [PML1.0]. The default value of this attribute is TtB. Possible values are:

 

Examples

TtB: top-to-bottom sex. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir=”TtB”] { unisex-bisexual: in bed; direction: TtB}

rtl: Right-to-left sex. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir=”rtl”] { unisex-lesbian: in bed; direction: rtl}

lro: Left-to-right override. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir=”lro”] { unisex-straight: bidi-override; direction: ltr}

rlo: Right-to-left rodehard. The effect of this attribute is defined by the PML rule:

[dir=”rlo”] { unisex-trisexual: bidi-override; direction: rtl}

See our upcoming draft, PMSLT, due out in 28 days.

1. Send company layoff emails from their desk while they are away at lunch.
2. Eat other coworkers’ lunch. Frame your coworker by leaving a trail of crumbs to their desk and put the leftovers in their wastepaper basket.
3. Piranhas in the water cooler.
4. Apply for a job with the competition under your coworker’s name and have all correspondence sent to the front desk.
5. Change their password while they are on vacation. Make no attempt to memorize the new one.
6. Use up all the ink in their pens and put back in the drawer or pencil holder exactly where they were.
7. Add a macro to their copy of Excel that types “Our management is incompetent and impotent” to the description of every spreadsheeet.
8. Show up with a skunk and swear you heard it was “Bring Your Pet to Work Day”. Get upset and taunt the skunk. Yell at it for being, “All your sick idea.”
9. Order 22 extra large pizzas to your coworker’s desk on your next sick day.
10. Tell the admin that the guys in the art department were making some amazing fake nudes of her on Photoshop and posting them to Flickr.

I have determined that “What the heckers?” is the single worst euphemism I have ever heard.

FUPA

Acronym for “Fat Upper Pubic Area”; common misinterpretations include “Fat Upper Pussy Area,” “Fat Upper Penile Area” and “Farting Under Pelicans Asses.” Also, often confused with FUBU, an overpriced brand of clothes that suburban caucasian adolescent males wear to impress suburban caucasian females who associate the clothing with large genitalia. From the Urban Dictionary

OK, we’ve all seen FUPA before. It’s not a new phenomenon. What is new to me is seeing skinny women with FUPA. How is that possible? I suspect, and follow me on this, that FUPA may not be a ring of fat, after all.

I believe it to be a transport device, a container, some type of subcutaneous satchel. The real question is, what the heck is in them? My guesses are:

1. Drugs
2. Illegal pets
3. Spare cellphone batteries
4. Colonies of super-intelligent ants
5. Water supply (like a camel)
6. The DaVinci Code
7. Lipgloss
8. Maps to the stars’ homes
9. Celery sticks
10. A homing device for the Mother Ship

What are your theories? Today’s image provided and modeled by the lovely Megan, who is actually quite beautiful and does not sport FUPA of any sort.