Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Natalie: i went crazy at Whole Foods today
Natalie: i didn’t eat lunch til about 3
Me: you went crazy?
Me: Did you smash things and scream in your underwear in the frozen food aisle?
Natalie: i brought back about 4 different salads and a veggie samosa
Natalie: in my underwear

Colds are disgusting. Your eyes look and feel sand-blasted, your nose has lost five layers of epidermis and you are left with the lung capacity of an asthmatic sparrow, but look on the bright side:

1. Your boss will encourage you to go home early.
2. You can keep ill-tempered coworkers at bay with a mere sneeze.
3. No one’s going to sneak in your cubicle and use your phone.
4. If you come in looking disheveled, women will take pity on you, rather than scoff at you.
5. Other employees will do the heavy lifting for you.
6. You get to catch up on all the daytime crap on TV that you’ve been missing.
7. A cold won’t keep you from hitting the coffeehouse.
8. You can blame any miscommunications on your plugged sinuses.
9. You get to pepper your conversation with important-sounding words like antibiotics and gastroesophageal reflux.
10. If something goes wrong, you’re really too drugged up to care.

At least, I think it was naked Twister. Heard this through the apartment wall, despite popped ears and stuffed sinuses (I have loud neighbors).

Male voice: Right foot … Blue!
Female voice: Your ass is fucking hairy, dude!
Female voice: [loud squeal]
Female voice: Dammit! [squeal]
Male voice: Left hand … [mumble]
Female voice: You can’t use food!
Female voice: Very cute, Mike. Give me my pants back.

I was sick today and the only thing that made me laugh were these Mail Order Chickens.