Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Spotted one of the most unusual freaks this evening. A tall man, chinless and withered. Think Galapagos Tortoise in trendy evening wear. Not that trendy was any indication of taste.

Turtle Boy was probably 170 years old, judging by the remaining tufts of white hair, which encirlced his stone-shaped head like a Sumo wrestler’s Mawashi. I’ve never seen anyone wear such an unlikely combination. A black suede blazer (two sizes too large), crushed velvet, purple cargo pants (10″ too long) and endurance running shoes.

Top all that off with glasses that magnified his pupils till they resembled hockey pucks and you have Turtleneck.

Losing your Internet cable connection is worse than being ________ by a _______ .

I met someone at the coffeehouse today who claimed to know me.

HIM: “You do the websites, right buddy?”
ME: “Yes, I do.”
HIM: “Yeah, I heard about you. You do that funny site with the monkeys and clown-devil things.”
ME: “Nnnnnnoooooo. That doesn’t sound like anything I’ve done.”
HIM: “Don’t you that Ben Stiller site?”
ME: “Davezilla.”
HIM: “OK. I gotcha now. Yeah, you had the calendar. Didn’t they pay you, and now I bet you retire, huh?”
ME: “Well it wasn’t that much money.”
HIM: “I tell ya what. I can sell your calendar door to door, see. I’ll keep half, you keep half. That’s fair. Right?”
ME: “That’s very kind of you to offer that, but I’m afraid all the calendars are sold out.”
HIM: “Sold out? Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

Write about Worst roommate ever here.

This man is quite simply the worst roommate in history. His requirements for a roommate are so severe and exacting, that he makes the perfect target for nonstop torture. Read his requirements, then after beating your head into a wall, return here to leave more torture ideas.

1. I would host cock fighting matches in the garage. Long spur style, of course.
2. I would have unprotected sex with homeless, French whores suffering from Tourettes Syndrome on his Bowflex. This would be after he catches me scrubbing the toilet with his toothbrush.
3. I would buy the world’s loudest vibrator because, “Sometimes at night I really need to get off to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it!” *
4. I would cook pork, and the next day ask, “Uh, you’re a doctor. So what are the first signs of trichinosis?” *
5. We would have live oysters for dinner every night, cause nothing is more satisfying than shucking 60 or 70 wet oysters. Peanut brittle for dessert.
6. I would learn to sing to whales. From my bedroom.
7. I would learn Urdu from a series of lessons on tape. So would my Urdu-speaking cats. *
8. Beekeeping. Killer beekeeping.
9. I would line my room with cellphane, chalkboards, styrofoam and bubble wrap.
10. I would become hooked on hydroponics. *
11. Three words: One man band.
12. I would cook blackened, Cajun chicken while reciting Molière and playing Renaissance dance music at full volume. The recipe would come from a magazine. *
13. I would buy shoes made of rough-cut glass and replace the carpet with sheet metal.
14. I would sleep in a hammock made by silkworms.
15. Howler monkeys are not on the list, so I assume those are acceptable pets.
16. I would learn home dentistry and practice with the drill on squirrels.
17. I would start a home balloon-tying business and talk with helium.
18. I would wear chainmail bathrobes.
19. I would take up Primal Scream Therapy.
20. Randomly, I would require a lengthy and forceful exorcism.

* Written by the lovely Natalie

The original post was removed from Craigslist. Thanks to Maggie for hosting a cached copy