Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. That Halogen high-beams have been stapled to my eyelids
2. An Ivory Woodpecker has mistaken the left side of my head for an Elm Tree
3. The pads on my cats’ feet have been fitted with cinder blocks
4. The sun is now one metre from my window
5. That all food is made of cardboard, spiced with dryer lint
6. The neighbour’s vacuum cleaner is louder than front row at a Motorhead concert
7. Tiger Woods is using my forehead for driving practice
8. That Comcast’s Internet service has gone out again—no wait, that one’s real
9. That someone is using a cheese grater on my cerebral cortex
10. That midget clowns are trying to steal my soul

Terrible migraine. Can’t see. May post later …

Next time you drop buttered popcorn in a glass of Perrier by mistake, retrieve it within one second or pour the glass out. Blecch. Five second rule does not apply here.

(Available on eBay)

1. Pugs may appear to be friendly dogs, but at night they eat babies and mints.
2. Benjamin Franklin invented the sigh.
3. Ronald McDonald was based on a old Scottish faery tale. In the story, Ruach McDougall, was a sabre-toothed ogre who grilled ferrets and served them between two pieces of crusty bread.
4. Prior to the Council of Nicea, new popes were chosen over a game of rock, paper scissors.
5. Misery loves Company, but Company recently got out of a bad relationship and isn’t ready for anything serious.