Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

45 comments:

1. Mandy, 6, April 2005, 0:18 |  
   “This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.”

   Uhhh it sure sounds discriminating to me.

    
2. Kirk, 6, April 2005, 1:16 |  
   I would tap dance out the tunes of broadway musicals.

   I would pee a little everytime I sat on his furniture.

   I would constantly ask…”Do you think my butt looks big?”

    
3. kismet, 6, April 2005, 1:34 |  
   Hehe, I’d set up my drums in the living room and practice while he was upholstering. Hell, while I’m at it I’d just have the rest of my band come over and practice. Maybe he’d upholster a nice sound proof room for us eventually.

   Then I’d hire a French chef to cook dinner for me on the nights that I don’t feel like cooking. Maybe even have a Korean come over and bury some kim-chee in the back yard.

    
4. TinaMarie, 6, April 2005, 1:50 |  
   All I want to do is email him (repeatedly) and tell him “YOU NEED THERAPY!” I am not sure which of his quirks he is explaining away as “Eastern techniques”, but I am betting that none of them are yoga, Pilates, or any type of meditation that would stop him from being an anal-retentive dickhead.

   And he wonders why his staff doesn’t like him…

    
5. Esther, 6, April 2005, 2:14 |  
   Had to look up Urdu, but now that I know what it is…hehe..

   I would clip coupons from the Sunday paper, but only after I had collected 3 weeks worth of papers. Then I wouldn’t recycle them for at least month.

   I would shave my underarms in the kitchen sink, while listening to Judas Priest, and enjoying a Pete’s Wicked.

   As a last straw, I would cook my ground beef on very low heat, then perform an exorcism on Natalie, while Mandy and MikeB show up unannounced, with unapproved fruits and vegetables.:twisted:

    
6. Fran, 6, April 2005, 2:25 |  
   Why is this fellow a surgeon? He would make a better customs officer at the US/Canada border! Especially with his fruit fetish.

   

    
7. wantwit, 6, April 2005, 3:39 |  
   jolly good.

    
8. em, 6, April 2005, 5:00 |  
   I would buy a rubber mallet, and hide under his bed, lying in wait for him to get comfortable… begin to drop off… and then I’d tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap to my heart’s content.

   I’d also replace all the tap washers with faulty ones.

   Oh yes.

   Unapproved fruit and vegetables, fantastic!

    
9. larfus, 6, April 2005, 5:21 |  
   “I would shave my underarms in the kitchen sink, while listening to Judas Priest, and enjoying a Pete’s Wicked.” man i laughed at that.

    
10. Anna, 6, April 2005, 6:29 |  
    - I would get the Urker Fishermans Choir to practice their Italian opera pieces.
    - I would get a wooden floor installed and learn the ancient Dutch art of clogdancing.
    - I would live there with my pet poodle and tell that guy the pedigree of his mutt is not good enough for (my) Princess Mathilda de Rothschild.
    - My biggest hobby would suddenly become: Alpine horn blowing.

    gotta stop … would fill pages and pages and pages

     
11. Baines, 6, April 2005, 6:39 |  
    This has got to be a joke.

    I’d strategically place dill seeds in my teeth, and eat crunchy carrots that I bought from the corner store while he’s watching TV.

     
12. Olly, 6, April 2005, 6:40 |  
    I would go out on my bike, get it covered in really filthy stinking mud, leaves and dog excrement and then clean it in the bath. And leave the plug in.

    I’d practise the calming technique of hypochondria whenever in his presence.

     
13. Maggie, 6, April 2005, 8:30 |  
    I would tell my friends to drop by any time to read the newspapers on his newly-upholstered antique furniture. Afterwards, we would barbecue rare steaks and surreptitiously eat massive GM tomatoes. Finally, we would end the evening by going to bed without brushing first.

     
14. Spud, 6, April 2005, 8:34 |  
    I think any place that makes you room with someone, sounds like prison.

    having said that…

    some very funny stuff going on there Natalie

     
15. Bente, 6, April 2005, 10:15 |  
    I’d anonymously order him a fruit of the month basket, and when he looked at me each month it was delivered i’d just give him a shrug and a grin. Then walk past, grab a piece of whatever fruit is that month’s special, say ‘Merci!’ and take a big bite.

     
16. Merth, 6, April 2005, 10:22 |  
    The post has been removed. I did not get to partake in the hijinks!

    I am afraid to look at the leaflet. Very afraid.

     
17. mikeB, 6, April 2005, 10:51 |  
    Damn. Any chance you saved a copy, Dave?

     
18. CJ, 6, April 2005, 11:08 |  
    Someones got to have it in their web cache.

     
19. Maggie, 6, April 2005, 11:25 |  
    I did, indeed, have it in my cache, and it’s now available here.

     
20. Maggie, 6, April 2005, 11:27 |  
    Ok, the “here” was supposed to be a link… oops. Just go to my site. It’s there.
    [Fixed the link and changed the link on my post to yours. Thanks, Maggie! — Davezilla]

     
21. Matt, 6, April 2005, 12:06 |  
    I wonder what he does with Basil Ironweed every third Tuesday of the month, since he’s a perfectionist and requires complete silence for his upholstring hobby…

     
22. CJ, 6, April 2005, 12:27 |  
    I suppose he would allow my home taxidermy

     
23. Esther, 6, April 2005, 12:28 |  
    Thanks, Maggie!

     
24. Nikki, 6, April 2005, 12:58 |  
    You get what you pay for. Apparently that goes for roommates as well.

     
25. Keith, 6, April 2005, 13:08 |  
    Given the “IT MUST SIZZLE” comment, he appears to be channelling Achewood.

     
26. JFLY, 6, April 2005, 13:30 |  
    I’d play the bagpipes during his favorite tv shows, stopping only during the breaks.

    I’d teach his dog to scoot his butt on the davenport.

    I would watch Cirque de Soleil in surround-sound while eating Oreos and smiling. Then I’d ask to borrow his toothbrush.

    I would invite the Jehovah’s Witnesses in and repeat everything they said in Urdu.

     
27. Merth, 6, April 2005, 14:27 |  
    OHHHHHhhhhhh my gawd.

    I am surprised he does not have a rule against getting out of bed in the middle of the night to pee. “I am a light sleeper. The flushing toilet will cause me to awaken. I will be unable to return to sleep. Please do no use the bathroom between midnight and 7 AM.”

    I would come home from work to the living room. Take off my shoes. Take off my socks. Drape the socks on a couch pillow. Clip my toe nails and watch them fly across the room sometimes remarking, “Wow. That one got some good distance.”

    I would shave my genitals in his bathroom sink and leave the ‘residue’.

    I would leave hafl eaten pizzas on the table for weeks at a time.

    What a neurotic jerk…

     
28. Davezilla, 6, April 2005, 15:32 |  
    I would shave my genitals in his bathroom sink and leave the ‘residue’.

    Merth, please read today’s link immmediately.

     
29. CJ, 6, April 2005, 15:51 |  
    Maybe I could make him him scream in URDU-”Au Mere Allah Mere Sur Me Kulahri Hai” Oh my God there is a axe in my head

     
30. Dmytro, 6, April 2005, 15:51 |  
    Well the guy only asks for $300 in rent for a room – that sure is close to nothing in L.A. area.

     
31. Dmytro 2, 6, April 2005, 15:54 |  
    Looks like the guy is having obsessive-compulsive disorder.

     
32. Miss Direction, 6, April 2005, 17:30 |  
    That sooooooooo cannot be real?????? That’s just pure craziness! He should probably turn his house into a mental institute. It sounds like that’s what he really needs. He would have lots of company there!

     
33. Esther, 6, April 2005, 17:34 |  
    JFLY -I would watch Cirque de Soleil in surround-sound while eating Oreos and smiling. Then I’d ask to borrow his toothbrush.

    

     
34. larfus, 6, April 2005, 20:21 |  
    “I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely.” gee wonder why he is lonley.:roll:

     
35. Dmytro 3, 6, April 2005, 20:24 |  
    That’s a free country, isn’t it?

    The guy has some specific requests in exchange for a greatly reduced rent.

    What on Earth is wrong with that?

     
36. Spud, 6, April 2005, 20:42 |  
    Because it strangely smacks of a scenario like Christian Bale in American Psycho.

    Just to be on the safe side, I recommend…

    Nukes

    

     
37. Esther, 7, April 2005, 0:37 |  
    Specific requests usually include non-smoking, non-ugly, etc.

    I’d say Mr. AnalRetentiveMcFussyPants’ requests speak of a borderline psychosis and complete whack job.

    Along with Spud’s advice, I would also recommend total avoidance.

     
38. Mandy, 7, April 2005, 0:48 |  
    Esther, in your honor I will name my first-born “Mr. AnalRetentiveMcFussyPants”

     
39. Esther, 7, April 2005, 1:11 |  
    Wow, Mandy, I’m honored…and a little disturbed at that news. lol

     
40. Suzanne, 7, April 2005, 3:17 |  
    Since he is so concerned about my Gingiva I think I would floss obsessively in front of him, making sure to fling chunks of rare beef accross the room, Of course I would use a new 2 foot piece of floss for each space between my teeth and leave the discarded floss everywhere.

     
41. Spud, 7, April 2005, 7:25 |  
    eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww

     
42. Merth, 7, April 2005, 9:40 |  
    The details of my life are quite inconsequential…. very well, where do i begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

     
43. Spud, 8, April 2005, 0:53 |  
    And Then ??

     
44. Davezilla, 8, April 2005, 22:39 |  
    Best part of Austin Powers relived. Thanks, Merth

     
45. M.C. Glammer, 9, April 2005, 16:32 |  
    I’d use his scalpels on a blackboard to correct his grammar.