Note to Self: 5,201
No matter how tempting it may sound, Lime-Shrimp flavored ramen is of the Devil. Run screaming.
Archive for March, 2005
Let the punishment fit the crime
Carrot Top
Carrot Top must be punished for being the least amusing comedian since Sheckie Green. His punishment will be to be buried alive with only his hair showing.
Michael Jackson
For years of being a spoiled, freakish, child-poking medical oddity, he must be surgically dismantled and melted down into candle wax. The candles will be sold to the Church of Satan.
Cathy Guisewite
For producing the worst comic about failed relationships in the history of newspapers, the Cathy creator will be forced to be a marriage counselor in the Darfur region of the Sudan.
Mel Gibson
As Mel feels the need to be publicly martyred in every movie, his punishment is to die of natural causes, out of the spotlight. The media will quietly ignore his passing just in case his ghost is watching.
Ryan Seacrest
Seacrest must be punished not only for having a completely undeserved celebrity status, but for actually believing his signature, “Seacrest — out!” is cool, Ryan will be turned into a doormat for Kato Kaelin.
Etiquette quiz
- You’re dining alone, but you have multiple personalities. Is it proper to request separate checks?
- You’re performing an exorcism on your significant other’s mother. Is it socially acceptable to tie her down and gag her with duct tape?
- Your cable repairman has severe plumber’s crack going on and a receipt is wedged in said crack. Do you: a) Remove it quickly and then burn your hands? b) Pretend to ignore it, while stifling church giggles? or c) Take pictures and post them on Davezilla?
- Your boss’s combover is flipping in the wind during a company picnic. Is it acceptable to douse his head liberally with lighter fluid and set him ablaze?
- You invite your girlfriend to a Buddhist temple. Should she be offended to hear it’s customary for her to take off her shoes and get on her knees?
