Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

It was the third Wednesday of the month and that meant the department was having its monthly lunch at the Boobatorium. It isn’t really called that. It’s sort of a poor man’s Hooters. The typical sports bar you’d see in any town, except that the waitresses wear less than many swimsuit models.

Our waitress’s breasts seemed intent on leaving the confines of their flimsy fortress of fabric. Every time she bent over to leave a straw or napkin, she would intentionally press her arms together, forcing her breasts to smash and protrude like twin loaves of dough rising from inseparable pans. She was really working her tip. So to speak.

When lunch arrived, her left breast saw the chance to escape and took it. Seeing several plates of food running up the length of her arm, it burst forth from of her skimpy, orange t-shirt and landed in a plate of under-cooked French fries. There it rested until it reached the table.

Seeing fifty pairs of astonished eyes, the breast quickly became self-aware and attempted a hasty retreat. In actuality, it was shoved back in place by three slender fingertips, each clad in fuschia nail polish and tiny murals that included palm trees, neon and miniscule parrots.

Needless to say, the fries went uneaten.

You may be hooked emotionally and psychologically. You may have developed a physical dependence, too. If you’re addicted to Flickr — whether it’s legal or illegal — you have intense cravings for it. You want to use it again and again. When you stop seeing your photostream for even ten minutes, you may have unpleasant physical reactions.

An estimated 9.5 million Americans over the age of 12 use Flickr. Many other people abuse or are addicted to photostreams. Digital cameras are the most commonly used method. While not everyone who uses Flickr becomes addicted, many people do. As many as 19,000 people suffer from Flickr-related disorders every day.

Please, if you or someone you know is addicted to Flickr, upgrade them to a Pro account as quickly as possible.

You have two cats. Each cat weighs about 8 pounds. Each cat eats 1/2 pound of dry food per week, Each cat also has its own litterbox with 20 pounds of litter. When you go to change the litterboxes, the litter in each box weighs 38 pounds. How is this possible?

On Saturday, Natalie woke up with a sizable bruise on her inner thigh. I know. I thought the same thing. No. It was one of those phantom bruises that appear on the female anatomy without any discernable cause.

Spontaneous Generation? Hardly. There is a much simpler and far more scientific explanation. The Bruise Fairy. He appears at night, lifts up the covers and, after ogling you a bit, gives your thighs, arms and bum and long hard pinch or three. No woman is safe from his oversized grip and famed left hook.

Does anyone else have any Bruise Fairytales to share?

Last night, the lovely Natalie and I had dinner with the adorably witty Melissa and her charming husband, Logan. Those two are quite a pair and kept us laughing all night. Her retelling of the evening is far better than I could do, so please read her version. She includes an excellent description of our harrowing encounter with Rottweiler Man, whose stinky breath I can still feel on my neck.