Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

An elementary school class started a class project to make a planter to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students were given green ware pottery planters in the shape of a clown, which they
painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun. They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home…the cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time…

4:30 AM Alarm goes off. Hit snooze twice.

4:48 AM Drag feet out of bed. Trip over Catholic martyrs who have been groveling at feet all night.

4:51 AM Wait for morning erection to subside.

4:59 AM Take a pee over North America. Giggle as Canadians mistake it for acid rain again.

5:12 AM Take shower. Runoff water floods small Pacific Island. Oops.

6:02 AM Scrub back with a 90 foot loofah. Skin flakes fall over starving Ethiopians who mistake them for manna.

8:33 AM Got the hiccups. Americans mistakenly assume the sound is from North Korean bomb tests and send a pre-emptive strike on Kim Jong Il.

12:30 PM Went out for sushi. Had 6 Blue Whale Rolls and Giant Squid Sashimi.

2:14 PM Moved some Cretaceous fossils to the Devonian strata to mess with the paleontologists again. April Fools!

5:10 PM Overheard skeptics doubting my existence again. Decide to appear in a cloud over St. Petersburg and on a piece of roti in New Delhi.

6:19 PM Still peeved about skeptics. Create only one specimen of a new species of talking jellyfish. Place it in poor fisherman’s net. Arrange for it to die five minutes before camera crews arrive.

8:59 PM Write a new “missing gospel” and bury it in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Image via Mandy

Sometimes one can tell an entire story about a place merely by the cheap, neon sign out front. Just from this picture alone, we can safely deduce the following:

1. They have waitresses named Misti, Amber-Beth and Jolene
2. There is a guitar on the wall signed by a former member of RATT
3. They have a napkin framed on the wall, signed by Ernest Borgnine in 1981. “Thanks for the potato skins. See ya round. Ernie”
4. They have a bouncer named Keith with a curly, black mullet who wears the same, faded Molly Hatchet: Cornbread Mafia shirt every day
5. The owner’s wife is a frightening hag with five chins that hits on every male employee
6. The owner is a butt-grabbing, paunch-gut named “Big Nick” or “Willie D”
7. Six of their appetizers are puns based on classic rock lyrics. No one gets them and the waitresses lose 22 minutes each night explaining the joke
8. They have two busboys from Columbia working under the counter
9. The bartender buys his Coke from the busboys and resells it to the owner at 15% profit
10. They’ve lost their liquor license twice for selling alcohol to nine year-olds

Photo via Kirk

Normally, I wouldn’t post such a large picture, but this is a special case. Natalie and I were freak watching on Sunday and spotted a rare Tufted Pinko.

1. Fig. 1a Notice the winter plumage around the legs, bright pink to match, well nothing.
2. Fig. 1b More pink, this midsection waistband alerts predators that the Pinko is not good to eat.
3. Fig. 1c The Pinko often carries its sexual aids around with it, all colored pink, of course.
4. Fig. 2a During the winter months, the Pinko will sprout a thicker mane, or supplement its own mane with artificial hair, as this image clearly demonstrates