Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was under it. While attempting to extract myself from the boxspring’s grasp I was attacked by a band of voracious dust bunnies, that were obviously high on goofers.

No quarter was I shown by the merciless ways of the marauding dust bunnies. They removed my upper limbs and replaced them with prosthetic arms fashioned from bed lint, cat hair and not a few lost socks. Needless to say, scraping frost off the windshield proved somewhat difficult.

Arriving at work on time, I was unable to find my beloved cubicle. In a well-intentioned, but ill-planned cost-cutting move, accounting had combined our department with a local Farmers Market. I was now stationed with Amish pies and day-old scones. The back-end programmers were to be found with cheese and homemade soaps.

Staring languidly out the window, I noticed that the clouds were forming the exact patterns of the Rorschach inkblot test. I was stuck pondering card cloud 23 when a voice on the loudspeaker announced that a fire drill was taking place and would we quietly leave our Halo 2 games long enough to form a line outside?

We waited outside as the fire department arrived in what proved to be not a drill after all. The flames engulfed our peach crate cubicles and the smell of rosemary oil and burning CRTs filled our stinging nostrils.

1. Wana ride my Nimbus 2000?
2. Let me show what Slytherin really means.
3. How’d you like to model my Cloak of Invisibility?
4. I’ve got the biggest wand on campus, babe.
5. I’ve just mastered levitation, honey. Wanna see something rise?
6. I’ve done the entire Quidditch team.
7. I’m no werewolf, but I can turn into an animal.
8. I need to practice my Charms homework. May I make your clothes disappear?
9. I didn’t make it to Gringotts on time. Can you hold my Knuts for me?
10. Will you be my familiar?

1. Reward their singing by pouring delicious, hot soup in their chilly hands.
2. Offer to accompany them on the electric sitar and mouth harp.
3. Fill snowballs with yogurt and fire away.
4. Follow in the footsteps of our ancestors by pouring boiling oil out the window on them.
5. Join along in the singing, allowing your Tourette Syndrome to spice things up.
6. Ask them to sing the Coventry Carol in the original Middle English.
7. Should they fulfill this say, “OK fine, but can you sing that while eating a cracker?”
8. Give them leftover Halloween candy and tell them that their costumes aren’t very original.
9. Correct their pitch.
10. Rent a polar bear to patrol the yard. Alert the bear to their presence.
11. Offer to sell them Amway products.
12. Request some Sammy Hagar.
13. Answer the door in fetish gear with your significant other on a leash.
14. Give them cookies laced with illicit drugs.
15. Begin breakdancing.
16. Start moaning and tell them that caroling makes you so hot.
17. Play the Jeopardy theme song every time they begin to sing.
18. Ask them to sing the dreidel song.
19. Yell, “Hail, Satan!” at the close of each song.
20. Wait patiently for them to finish, then tell them in sign language that you are deaf.

Guest co-author Natalie