Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

Thuisrday, 11am
dear deadjournal readers,

this may be the last u hear from me. no, i promise no more suicide attempts. 3 years in a row and kurt cobain STILL hasn’t contacted me. wanker. i’m sure u smell real good now, kurt. as good as courtney’s ruby starfruit. lol!!

i fear this is the end. it’s thanksgiving today and my parent are dragging me to my enormous carpenter aunt’s house for dinner. her food is sheer microwaved venom. i will surely perish. if so, please leave my ipod to kyle (*smooch*) and my hissing cockroach is to be let loose in my english lit class.

your slice of hell,
elspeth

Thuirsday, 2pm
dear deadjournal readers,

u guys are hella cool. thankz for the supporting ims though even i cannot stoop to putting bleach in the gravy. again. last time i tried that my cavebiyatch grounded me from playing dragonball z for four days!!! not going through that again. that is just plain crewel. i should sue my mom for neglect. that would sooo rule. lol!! btw, i am posting this from my hiptop. i had to beg the cavebiyatch into buying this for me. noob. connection sux my dik.

your teddy grizzly bear,
elspeth

Thuirsday, 6pm
dear deadjournal readers,

am nearly dead. carpenter aunt made us green bean asserole. my ass is going to pay for even smelling it. the carpenter aunt has become a vegan. should i be elated or hate her more?? i say hate and here’s why. tofurkey is the devil. if i snotted into a cup of burning yogurt and basted it with contraceptive jelly it couldn’t taste worse. remind me to give birth to killer bees and set them loose on my family. have a festive holiday.

your camqueen,
elspeth

Have you read about the ridiculous goings-on in Georgia schools? They are actually placing “evolution is a theory” stickers in science books? If not, here is the actual sticker being placed into high school science books (Yes, in this century).

This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered. — SOURCE

I have several problems with this. For one thing, never delude a child. For another, I get so tired of Creationists saying ridiculous things like, “Dinosaurs weren’t real,” “Dinosaurs were put on earth to test our faith,” or “There’s only a few of them, you can’t really prove anything by a few scattered remains.” Sigh. If you have to prove a murder, you first have to produce a body. We have the bodies. We have hundreds of thousands of them. But I digress…

I suggest we make up our own stickers. Just for fun.

1. This textbook contains material on carpentry. Woodworking is a theory, practiced by Jesus of Nazareth, not a fact, regarding the creation of wooden furniture. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and not undertaken without OSHA-approved safety glasses.
2. This textbook contains material on The Matrix. The Matrix is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of the machine takeover. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered before taking the red pill.
3. This textbook contains material on Narnia. Naria is a story, not a fact, regarding the origin of an imaginary land. This material should be approached with a child’s mind, studied carefully, and critically considered, especially as it is a pagan novel written by a professed Christian. Never mind that one of the central protagonists is a faun, a creature considered to be Satan by most Christians.

Your turn.

Was eating in a local Mexican chain and the New Age Hippie Beast next to me in line carried on the following conversation:

Line Cook (LC): What would you like, Ma’am?
New Age Hippie Beast (NAHB): I want … that vegetable grilled buh-meeta?
LC: Fajita?
NAHB: That’s the one.
LC: What kind of salsa would you like on it?
NAHB: What kind do you have?
LC: Mild, Medium, Hot and Corn Salsa.
NAHB: I’ll have Ranch.
LC: We … don’t have Ranch.
NAHB: I saw the word Ranch somewhere.
LC: Here?
NAHB: Maybe it was at home.
LC: OK, well we don’t have Ranch.
NAHB: OK, well which one is like Ranch?
LC: None of them, really.
NAHB: Is there Ranch?