Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

We all know someone at work who brags about taking martial arts. It’s often the guy in the mailroom with the mullet and the NO FAT CHICKS bumper sticker on his rusty Ford Bronco.

In between bragging about which bars he was recently banned from, he relates his latest harrowing exploit as a martial arts master, who had his hands registered with the FBI. You yawn and feign interest until you can make your escape.

Since all of his stories are B.S., why not have some fun with him and encourage his fantasy? Make up your own fighting techniques and swap war stories. Here are some nonexistent martial arts styles to bring up with a straight face.

1. Fainting Goat Style Kung Fu
2. Drunken Neighbor Style
3. Golden Manatee Death Roll
4. Red Gecko “Sticky Hands” Maneuver
5. Tunneling Gerbil Grip
6. Okinawan Titty Twister
7. Broken Sprinkler
8. Frisky Barmaid Death Pinch
9. Celestial Goldfish Eye Roll
10. Co-Dependent Wife Hold

If HTML had been developed by the Japanese first, we would have tags like:

1. <BigHappyFun>Welcome to my Life!</BigHappyFun>
2. girl {skirt-length:shorter; panty-color:#fff; bend:always;}
3. $checkGrammar = explode(’?', $checkGrammar);
   function sailor_from_Moon($schoolGirl) {
   if ($schoolGirl == ‘underage’) return naked;
   }
4. <pikachu>I choose you</pikachu>
5. <style=”eyes: 475%; mouth: 45%; leg-length: 300%; skirt: 5%;”>
6. function get_girlstohavesex_withXrating ( $cat_hentai = “noclothes”, $before = ”,
   $after = ‘<tentacles>’, $between = “legs”,
   $show_images = true, $orderby =( offensiveness )
7. $flavors = $this -> iceCream( squid_ink );

With assistance from the lovely Natalie

And like, yesterday? In yoga class? Melissa tried the Blind Sea Monkey Posture and totally __________ her __________ .

[ SCENE: Two men are discussing "family values" and Republican beliefs. ]

Man #1: He was a fine upstanding Christian man, not unlike this feller here (points to me). You’re a god-fearing Christian, aren’t you?
Me: I think of myself as more of a Christian-fearing god.
Man #1: …