Have a Coke and a smile
Archive for August, 2004
Keeping abreast of my readers
Stacy
ReV.JeLLyBaBy
Mandy
More Mandy
Fun with Shopping Carts
Owing to some past-life, seventh generation Irish curse, I have been destined to tarry on this earth forever branded as the poor soul with the squeaky shopping cart. It never fails. I test and experiment, to the dismay and amusement of other savvy shoppers, but always end up with the cart that sounds like a thousand metal rakes dragging carelessly across a chalkboard the breadth of the Mississippi River.
Being the victim of this lifelong curse has taught me one thing: the curse cannot be broken, but it can be exploited.
- Pretend your cart has a flat. Drag a jack into the grocery store, or call a towing company to give you a lift.
- Arrive in shorts and a tank top and carry a bucket of warm water and a large sponge. Begin washing your cart down. Take pride in polishing it and disdainfully notice how dirty other peoples’ cart are. Use the hose that the grocers water the produce down with for the final rinse.
- Install an exceptionally loud sound system in your cart. Make sure the bass is loud enough to rattle windows and cause cans to vibrate off the shelf as you traverse the aisles.
- Put curb feelers and purple running lights under your cart. Wear dark glasses and try to pick up every hottie you see. If possible, transform your cart into a rice-rod and challenge other shoppers to a race.
- Move your cart to the edge of the aisle and put road flares around it. Wave down passersby with maglights and plead for assistance.
- Install backup lights and proximity beepers on your cart. Have a friend in a hardhat signal you to back up slowly. Make sure no one gets in the aisle until you have backed out completely. This should take 10-15 minutes if done properly. Put up orange cones if necessary.
- Carry a clipboard and use your cart in 5 mph crash safety tests.
- Bring a snow shovel and parka. Spread road salt around your cart and patiently wait for your cart to “thaw out”.
- Dress as a traffic officer. Give tickets to shoppers who illegally park their carts in the lanes. Be a loud, abusive cop and take every opportunity to get out the night stick and lay some smackdown.
- Feign complete ignorance of what a shopping cart is. Lay it on its side. Poke it with a stick. Scream at it. Read it a story. Pour water on it and run away.
Special assistance by Natalie
