Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

1. “You forgot your M-80s and gasoline.”
2. “Be a dear and go play in the streets.”
3. “You need a louder car stereo. I get nervous when you’re a mile away and I can barely hear you.”
4. “I found the cutest snake in the garden today…”
5. “I’m thinking of redecorating the kitchen in a ‘vampires and spiders’ motif.”
6. “You’re ten years old! Don’t you think it’s time you gave up the comics and started reading porn?”
7. “What kind of daughter did I raise? You’ve slept with four men this week? When I was your age I’d have bagged four men by lunch hour. Slacker.”
8. “Oh, I suppose if all your friends ran out and got jobs, you’d get one too. Can’t you stay home and loaf like your father?”
9. “Your father and I think you need a TV of your own so your sisters won’t change the Playboy Channel on you.”
10. “I don’t care what the teacher says. No boy should start his school day without a beer.”

Chocolate ice cream and red ale? Not so much.

This fascinating piece of Jinglish was purchased for me by long-time friend Michael F.

“After our adventurers had finished polishing all the troll’s silverware, swept his dungeon and adjusted his satellite TV dish, they decided to … ”
[Add your lines and keep the story going]

Christianity is a beautiful religion with a big problem. Marketing. No other religion feels so compelled to proselytize through the dubious medium of bumper stickers (except Wiccans, and they just do it to be silly). The bumper stickers would be fine … if they made any sense. Read some of the following stickers (all real, I might add) and see if any of them would make you feel compelled to convert.

1. It’s hard to stumble when you’re on your knees. (Is this about prayer or blowjobs?)
2. Make your eternal reservations now — ’smoking’ or ‘non-smoking’?
3. As sure as God puts his children in the furnace, He will be in the furnace with them.
4. God allows “U Turns”!
5. In the sentence of life, the Devil may be a comma but DO NOT LET him be the PERIOD! (Leave that to Tampax)
6. Walmart isn’t the only saving place!
7. But St. Peter– what about my civil rights?
8. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
9. This Church is Prayer-conditioned!
10. Plenty of folks give the Lord credit– few give Him cash!
11. Good old knee-ology is as good as some theology.
12. God made round faces; man makes ‘em long.
13. For all you do,  His blood’s for you!
14. Be ye fishers of  men. You catch them — He will clean them. (God will skin and gut us?)
15. Jesus is returning…resistance is futile (God is the Borg?)
16. My boss is a Jewish carpenter. (Mine’s an Italian web designer, but no one asked)
17. Y2K= Yield to the King.
18. Jesus is my ROCK ‘N I’m on His ROLL.
19. Want to avoid burning?  Use “Son” block.
20. Who lit the fuse for the ‘Big Bang’?
21. You don’t have to dial STAR345 to talk to Jesus. (Jesus carries a cell?)
22. Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there.
23. The prodigal son was having a bad ‘heir’ day!
24. Remember the banana– when it left the bunch it got skinned.
25. May your teenage head banger meet The Ageless Heart Knocker!