Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

32 comments:

1. Natalie, 30. June 2004, 0:05
   

   *cries* I’ll be good, I promise.

    
2. Beth, 30. June 2004, 0:18
   

   Mommy.

    
3. Moxie, 30. June 2004, 0:25
   

   “untrainable Yorkies with bladder control issues” are called one thing…Yorkies.

    
4. Spud, 30. June 2004, 1:01
   

   Geezez Dave, that not only sounds like hell, but would probably make a good film.
   

    
5. Stacy, the motor city bad kitty, 30. June 2004, 1:56
   

   I dunno, Dave … I grew up in Flint, Michigan. Can’t be much worse than THAT!

    
6. Ronald McDonald, 30. June 2004, 2:29
   

   Are you kiddin’ me? That sounds more like Heaven!

   Sincerely,

   Ronald McDonald
   CEO, McDonald’s

    
7. Esther, 30. June 2004, 2:41
   

   I see you got the tour of my workplace.

    
8. Anna, 30. June 2004, 3:08
   

   He, Biff is NOT a clown, Biff is a friendly purple bear!!
   (You should read up on your Mac Davis texts).

    
9. kismet, 30. June 2004, 4:08
   

   I gotta quit visiting before I go to bed.

    
10. ReV.JeLLyBaBY, 30. June 2004, 4:48
    

    Here are a few more interesting Hell facts to make your stay more enjoyable…

    Shopping in Hell

    Hell has an extensive variety of shops, which unfortunately all sell cat litter and spinach. The cat litter is made of crushed goldfish bones and the spinach is farmed almost exclusively from the fertile backs of hairy men.

    You are required to eat at least 5 portions of both every 2-4 hours or face the corner.

    Travel in Hell

    Everyone in Hell is given a vehicle upon arrival.

    It’s a rusty unicycle with a wheel made from a large round cheese. You are forced to ride it at manic speed to avoid capture by a giant mouse in a pirate costume called Pentonville Fandango.

    All roads have speed bumps every 10 yards.

    The unicycle also has no saddle.

    SEX in Hell

    There are lots and lots of attractive women and men in Hell and they have sex all the time….but not with you.
    The only person in Hell that would, is the one legged transvestite with STDs and flatulence you share a room with.
    He also smells of liver pate and sour milk.

    Enjoy your stay!
    

     
11. ReV.JeLLyBaBY, 30. June 2004, 5:27
    

    Oh, here are a few more hell tips for the damned among you.

    Weather in Hell:

    In Hell it is either very hot, very cold or both at the same time.
    Sometimes it rains rotten eggs and flour, sometimes it’s just house bricks and muesli.
    I would recommend watching the weather forecast, but there isn’t one.

    In fact the only thing on T.V is some never ending footage of a baked potato in a microwave or Jerry Springer’s left eye. The baked potato channel still has the highest viewing figures despite the Jerry Springer’s left eye Christmas special where it opened and closed briefly.

    Blogsites in Hell:

    There are NO computers in Hell, only un-programmable video recorders in a Betamax format.

    NOTE: All tapes supplied are VHS and contain dried pasta instead of tape (except on Tuesdays when they contain fish).

    Hope this information is useful, but then you do have eternity to learn the ropes.
    

     
12. ReV.JeLLyBaBY, 30. June 2004, 5:51
    

    Celebrities in Hell:

    All famous people go to Hell apart from Ghandi and John Travolta.

    Princess Diana nearly escaped as well, but on closer inspection it was discovered that her “halo” was in fact the steering wheel of a Mercedes car.

    Britney Spears is still untalented in Hell and has more spots, smaller boobs and a bigger ego.

     
13. ReV.JeLLyBaBY, 30. June 2004, 6:03
    

    P.S

    Oh and she’s dating your one legged room mate.

    

     
14. Nikki, 30. June 2004, 6:34
    

    re: Environment numbers 1-3, I believe that’s called Chuck E. Cheese.

     
15. lolly, 30. June 2004, 6:57
    

    hey, what if you happen to like obese strippers!? um… not that I do…

     
16. tj, 30. June 2004, 8:20
    

    sounds exactly like mine … except that in my hell, the floor is a writhing mass of roaches. *shudder*

     
17. fiend, 30. June 2004, 11:14
    

    So if I’m living in my own personal hell currently, what’s my real hell going to be like?

     
18. Moxie, 30. June 2004, 11:15
    

    The ReV. forgot to mention Canadians.

     
19. Esther, 30. June 2004, 12:47
    

    On a completely unrelated note, Dave, in Netscape 7.1 (which I have to use at work), the page loads fine, but I have to scroll down almost an entire page of empty space, before getting to the post.

    Back to your regularly scheduled hell speak.

     
20. X @, 30. June 2004, 14:39
    

    dont forget people buying a hundred dollars worth of lottery tickets in front of you every time you go in to buy a water.

     
21. Esther, 30. June 2004, 16:47
    

    Or buying a money order when you go in to buy a lottery ticket.

     
22. Nikki, 30. June 2004, 17:30
    

    Or a western union order.

     
23. infinity, 30. June 2004, 19:27
    

    define obese….

     
24. Davezilla, 30. June 2004, 20:20
    

    Yes, I am working on that, Esther. It also happens in Mozilla 1.4, but not 1.7. Urgh.

     
25. Esther, 30. June 2004, 23:31
    

    Okey dokey. Anybody for a cinnamon swirl Pecan Sandie?

     
26. Esther, 30. June 2004, 23:32
    

    Oops, meant this: :green:

     
27. Lace Valentine, 1. July 2004, 0:09
    

    Hell is having to talk to a treefrog as your best friend
    because the abyss is silent and empty and twilight for centuries.

    You can’t leave the minimal frog, one bare tree, and treefrog,
    because if you do, you’ll never find your way back there, you’ll
    just walk on dark nothingness forever, so you stay, listening
    to one droning frog that reverberates the same tone of flatulence.

    The only human words the reptile can speaks is “Anne Frank.”

    The green of this frog is a mildewy tennis ball green. It carries the
    scent of asbestos and an airport ashtray. The frog’s face resembles
    the one person you regret having had sex with. The pond is clear
    and empty, and reflects twilight and nothingness.

    After a trillion centuries, you met Samuel Beckett. You know this
    is hell because he’s happy and smiling. Mr. Beckett tells ethnic jokes
    and monopolizes the conversation. Then one day, on a whim, he kills the
    treefrog.

    He just slapped it between his armpit and squeezed. Hard was the squeeze.
    Then Mr. Beckett a week later vanishes, a slow evaporation, like a rain cloud.

    It’s just you and the pond and one tadpole that grows back into the Frog.

     
28. Lace Valentine, 1. July 2004, 0:11
    

    Hell is also
    uncalled for
    line breaks.

     
29. Minnie, 1. July 2004, 5:35
    

    Schools in Hell:
    Teach students words like irregardless and definately.

    Banks in Hell:
    Give out cards with your PIN number to use their ATM machines.

     
30. angie, 23. July 2004, 6:39
    

    On the anniversary of your hell entry they play a non-stop airing of the most loathsome local commercials in your life–then shower you with confetti made from boogers and clown vomit.

    Depends commercials play on subliminal tapes whenever you try to sleep.

     
31. Ema, 26. July 2004, 9:58
    

    I hope I go to hell, it sounds fun

     
32. debt consolidation, 9. November 2004, 19:57
    

    3281 ya know eredclips